Facebook is like a mom who reminds you of birthdays and shit, but Twitter is a dad who gets you drunk and tells your friends fart jokes.

Just friended by someone from Twitter on Facebook. That's like saying "hi" to one of your bar-friends at the supermarket.

I'm becoming a gymnast so I can do an unassisted keg stand.

Her safe word was "I got the kids this weekend".

When I let out a tweet with misspelling, I think I know what it's like to have ugly, flawed children.

I'd tweet about kids or pets if I had them, and as for my plants; I've already smoked them.

You starfuck like my mom.

I was the nerd that other nerds picked on in an attempt to rise in rank.

I rejoice when a bagel is burnt in the workplace because I get to fart with extreme prejudice.

My new walk of shame is listening to the delivery guy read all the ingredients before handing over my pizza-for-one.

Bet if I looked more dumb I could surprise people with my intelligence.

If you're one of those guys that says, "I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally." Hooray! You're hateful AND indecisive.

I actually CAN believe it's not butter and I now also believe in anal leakage.

Do you think Judge Judy's bailiff is paid by the case, or by each disapproving look?

Anyone who falls asleep angry doesn't know how to hate-fuck.

Can we stop making fun of people's last names? My old math teacher Mr. Bater would not approve.

My friends and I were the original emos, but back then we spelled and pronounced it "assholes".

Cats seem a little less mystical after the realization that their tongue is custom-designed to scrape poo from their butthole.

Getting older: Just when you thought you couldn't get uglier.

You are what the Japanese call a "plick".