Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."

Tom Cruise is one of those guys who makes you watch him play single player video games.

If I ever describe anything you tell me as "crazy," it's really not, I just want out of your conversation prison.

At the gym pool, while people are doing their laps, I'm doing reps of that moment when Ariel pops out of the water when she's first human.

"Ok guys, what I'm suggesting here is that we eat tons of food and then sleep for like, say, five, six months." - The smartest bear ever

My life feels like a test I didn't study for and everybody is being a dick and not letting me cheat.

Sometimes, I can manually wag my dog's tail and then it'll just keep going when I let it go.

Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.

Social anxiety is a cool friend that's like, "Your intuition about people is SPOT on. Let's go home, watch some T.V. and eat some snacks."

"Who ARE you?" "Well, I suppose I'm a big baby boy. The biggest baby boy in the world" - Somebody interviewing my dog

You'd think Winnie the Pooh would've gotten that shirt in at least a medium.

"Um, can we get like three baguettes popping out of the top of that sack of groceries?" - Most all film directors

"Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you've had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling." - me as a doctor

Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.

I just took A TON of chill pills and now I'm a leather bracelet.

Urban Outfitters is the Hot Topic for people who grew up with both biological parents.

If I can't get your bra off right away, will you just like kiss my neck for a long time and pretend that it usually takes a while anyway.

Whenever a dog starts barking at me, I'm like, "I know."