Sometimes, @robfee will add me to his Tweets of the Week list and it'll make all those n00ds I've sent him worth it.  http://www.mandatory.com/2013/05/24/this-weeks-20-funniest-tweets/ …

It’s sad when people ask me if I’ve gained a little weight recently because those are their last words.

What if Jesus came back and he wasn’t even like a 7?

The venerable and one year older today... @seanblazed everybody *thunderous applause* #FF

subtweet if youre making me a mixtape w/o aqua on it you can just stop right now

Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you? No, money is out of the question.

I don't ask for much, but I would like to walk into a Quiznos or something one day and see my ex working there.

The sporadic texts and emails from an ex are like the rocks beneath the slip 'n slide to moving on.

A group of men just strolled by all dressed up in button-up shirts and I whispered, "They're moving in herds. They do move in herds."

Look, I didn’t like that Instagram pic because I know you can do better.

I get why girls fake orgasms, I'd always do it to stop things that were taking too long. Like, this phone call with my dad, for instance.

Often, I’ll lie like 20, 30 times a day, sometimes more.

Our Father, who art in heaven, is all like, "Hey, check out this collage I made with Stephanie."

Where did all my money go? I used it all trying to survive up until now.

*hugs television before leaving for work*

How I toss off my clothes before bed, it's like I'm cultivating a bedroom garden of shirts & socks, but nothing ever grows but more apathy.

Going to a mall when you don’t feel attractive is like an emotional form of cutting.

I'm like Cain, but my brother is also like Cain and basically we're kinda just like two badass brothers all about murder.

*sings candle in the wind as a way to break up with you*

Working out until you’re in good enough shape to be in a relationship is kind of the Trojan Horse tactic of our times.