Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Pretty smart of all these alcohol commercials to just assume that I’m an idiot with no self-confidence.
ladies and gentlemen if ull direct ur attention to me ill show u some nice sex first ill need a random volunteer *points to a babe* u there
Autism seems like it could get you out of a lot of stuff.
I wonder if that group of people from that party I went to last Saturday are still talking about work.
Imagine tweeting during breaking news.
Just recalling the Xmas where dad got drunk and yelled at us for watching live surgeries on TLC instead of listening to him play the guitar.
If you wanna survive- follow me. *goes to the grocery store*
It’d be kinda cool to have a nurse rub that goop on my belly and give me an ultrasound, but it’d be scary if we discovered a baby in there.
I bet Jack was thinking the opposite of whatever “I’m king of the world” is as he was drowning.
When those Kay Jewelers commercials end with "every kiss begins with k," I turn to whomever's in the room and ask, "did you know that?"
I bet right now my mom is somewhere out there buying me the most blah long sleeve t-shirt and she’s thinking, “it’s perfect!”
I used to think that there was someone out there that was perfect for me, but now I know that they only need to be like a 7.
If you ever get caught watching someone sleep, just be like, "shhh, shhh- you were magnificent."
Voldemort is like the most famous hairless cat.
I probably weigh like 2 1/2 famous actresses.
*filling out job application* do you thrive in a fast paced work environment *looks around room from bed at 2pm* yes
This bowl of Campbell's Chunky Soup is pairing nicely with my little brother's diary. *licks finger and turns another page*
Dad, some of my friends told me that they came across your OkCupid, and well, they’d all really like a piece.
I love petting dogs because it’s like giving a really cool tweet as many favs as you want.
all that time and energy youre putting into your relationship could never backfire
http://Witstream.com contributor, young girl.