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I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
Sometimes, I feel like I'm barely holding it together and other times, I have like just enough stuff with which to distract myself.
Whenever I'm wrestling with my dog, I always sneak in some hugs because he doesn't know any better and I kinda need them.
Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.
You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
A major sign that Jurassic Park was not in great hands was that their game warden wore knee-high socks.
Social anxiety is a cool friend that's like, "Your intuition about people is SPOT on. Let's go home, watch some T.V. and eat some snacks."
"Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you've had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling." - me as a doctor
You could basically tickle that guy in Aaahh!!! Real Monsters that has to hold his own eyeballs whenever you wanted.
I'm glad that my dog has no idea what a loser is.
My mom is basically an anchorwoman for channel Facebook news.
Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.
The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might've gone to high school with him.
If you have no ambition, every day can kinda be a success.
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
Felt lonely today and started reminiscing about my exes: Mean Laura, The One, Wet Natalie, Liar Katelyn, Too Attractive Aria and Winnie.
Do you write your sevens with a line through the middle or are you a complete fuck up?
Pretty unrealistic that a kid named Ferris made it all the way to High School without getting beaten to death.
People are just interacting with me like I didn't watch almost an hour of pornography last night.
I'm basically in a fight with every confident looking teen.
a sexual /// http://Witstream.com contributor and person who tells jokes on stage to people who are just like, uh.