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"Um, can we get like three baguettes popping out of the top of that sack of groceries?" - Most all film directors
“Here, you can just have some of mine.” - me as one of those kids in the Trix commercials
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
If that kid in The Shining had been more of a player, he'd have tried to see if those twins would kiss.
Do you wanna be player 1 or player 2 in this relationship?
Opened these packages of fruit snacks very quietly so maybe a part of myself wouldn't hear.
Tired of washing my whole body every day.
Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.
“One adult for the Hobbit” is now the saddest thing I’ve said two years running.
"Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you've had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling." - me as a doctor
“Nice try, you fucking slut,” is a phrase I wish more people would shout at me for no reason, not just that homeless lady from a second ago.
I’m going to be fucked if the police ever need me to give them someone that can confirm my whereabouts like anytime ever.
“And what’s this?” “It’s a Papa John’s mega pizza cookie.” - me showing an alien some of our stuff
I would’ve been embarrassed if I’d been that lady in the Psycho because I probably would’ve been lying down in the shower when he burst in.
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
Tom Cruise is one of those guys who makes you watch him play single player video games.
Pregnant women are basically sexy landlords.
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
Remember to focus on losing weight for most of your one life that you have to live.
My life feels like a test I didn't study for and everybody is being a dick and not letting me cheat.
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