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“Nice try, you fucking slut,” is a phrase I wish more people would shout at me for no reason, not just that homeless lady from a second ago.
I’m going to be fucked if the police ever need me to give them someone that can confirm my whereabouts like anytime ever.
“And what’s this?” “It’s a Papa John’s mega pizza cookie.” - me showing an alien some of our stuff
I would’ve been embarrassed if I’d been that lady in the Psycho because I probably would’ve been lying down in the shower when he burst in.
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
Tom Cruise is one of those guys who makes you watch him play single player video games.
Pregnant women are basically sexy landlords.
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
Remember to focus on losing weight for most of your one life that you have to live.
My life feels like a test I didn't study for and everybody is being a dick and not letting me cheat.
Snakes must see their tails from time to time and just be like, “lol, that’s me without a face.”
Pilots should get on the intercom and be like, *ding* "can you believe we just fly around like this? It still blows my fucking mind." *ding*
At the gym pool, while people are doing their laps, I'm doing reps of that moment when Ariel pops out of the water when she's first human.
I don't know what it says about me that I always want Marty McFly to kinda get down with his mom from the past.
If you just stood alone in the forest until you died, it would be like you lived the life of a house plant.
Smoothies are delicious and that's also what I wish we called dolphins.
Life is just chipping away at me, slowly wearing me down until I submit and start saying things like, "It's so nice out today!"
The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might've gone to high school with him.
"How fast can you hack into the system!?" "20-25 minutes." "You've got 10 minutes!" "Okay, well then I can't." - real life spy dialogues
http://Witstream.com contributor, young girl.