@matthewburnside Wow, you're really good at hockey.

When you tag me at a location you're putting us all in danger.

I'm the guy who eats loud hard candy in a book store.

Being a Mathematician in the making, I have unfortunately overlooked one important variable on the last problem on my final. Deodorant.

@igotssmarts I always thought a Dutchie was when you farted in your wife's wooden shoes.

I'd tweet something about Black Friday, but I'm not getting in THAT line either bitches.

My white people problems are worse than your white people problems.

The thing about air travel is all the scotch.

Just pulled out in front of a Prius. It felt good, it felt real good.

Every time a Prius honks, an angel shits granola.

Dear 1980's Arnold Schwarzenegger: 2011 :(

What is it about pretending to be poor and dejected on a lawn in the middle of the suburbs that seems so effing stupid? #occupyorangecounty

"BYOB"? More like "I'm busy that day".

Just had to thumbs down Steely Dan off of my Tool station, guys.

Living in the suburbs means I have no idea that ginormous headphones are a thing now.

I feel like Redbull should be accompanied by the Mario Brothers mushroom sound.

Not being able to see in the dark really stubs my toe.

Just remember kids, Cheeto hand and pink eye don't mix.

I really don't care what this watermelon martini says about me, guys.

Got to rub shoulders with @alisonagosti and shake hands with @robdelaney. Great stories last night guys.