Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Carpe day-umm, girl. I'd seize that.

I’m surprised Ice Cube hasn’t spoken out against global warming. Seems like a life or death situation for him.

For Sale: Old Beat-Up Oboe (OBO). $800 OBO (Or Best Offer). OBOE (Only Bald Oboe Enthusiasts) Note: Beat-Up Oboe Once Owned By Bono (BOOOBB)

I wear aviators constantly because you never know when you may find yourself in or at least in the vicinity of a Danger Zone.

"Ha ha! They're totally looking for the wrong guy." - Peeping Tim

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

For Sale: VERY gently used furniture. 1 sofa I laid Q-Tips on. 1 ottoman where I kept my feather collection. 1 recliner I only whispered at.

Hot Pocket. Delicious snack or best kangaroo pickup line ever?

I don't have swagger, but I have a darn good saunter and a pretty enviable mosey.

Boss said we can't wear jeans with holes in them. Good plan, dummy. How the hell am I supposed to get them on?

Zombie Subway: Eat Flesh.

Tripped and hit my head on a snare drum and now I think I have a percussion.

"Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!" - The Very Civil War

I'm not wearing a back brace! Oh, wait a minute. I am. Looks like I stand corrected.

“I’m on a roll!” – Very confident butter

I may; or may no;t; understand when to use semicolons.

Please Choose Your Family Photo Backdrop:
- Leaning On Old Wagon Wheel
- Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
- A Giant, Bloodshot Eye
- Seagull Party

This oscillating fan is very slowly disapproving of me.