My greatest fear is that the "Hang in there!" kitten DID hang in there, and is now super strong, super perseverant, and out for revenge.

I do miss Chicago food though. Deep dish Pizza, Italian beef, Boston baked beans, California pizza kitchen, skittles

Trust funds? I know I sure don't.

Confused meat lovers meet other meat lovers rather than meeting their meat loving needs by meeting where the meat is meted out.

I know many shockingly funny people, yet am regularly awed by the brute ridiculosity of @bridger_w - Seriously, Jesus Christ. #FF

Vinegar Dieselburger™

It's not swagger it's a sports injury ok

David Spade would have a field day with David Spade's career.

Our Doomsday/Suicide Cult turned into a recipe exchange so gradually I don't think any of us even noticed.

I'll stop scrolling for @lianamaeby @damienfahey @ceejoyner @thatramosgirl #FF

Guy in this South Carolina bar just walked in with a Reggie Ball Georgia Tech Jersey. The lettering is literally blowing away in the wind.

You think you can just waltz back into my life and teach me how to dougie?

My cat loves to rub up against me but she also loves to roll around in dirt so to answer your question, yes, I am single.

I wonder if the spider that bit Peter Parker assumed all the powers of a nebbishy teen.

Let’s make a pact. If we’re both 69 and still stupid lets spend the whole year giggling.

All I really want is someone that will be excited for me when I see someone on TV that I recognize from another show.

My husband's safe word is, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."

I miss my cats (they're in medical school)

Here's some girls named Jennifer. @thefearboners @hipchkk & @jennypentland. #FF

Fashion tip: If an orangutan would look cooler in it, don't wear it.