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Wrangler: Real. Comfortable. Jeans. But. Not. For. Freaks. With. V-Shaped. Crotches.
What's a Douglas fir? It's fir bein' a cool friend named Douglas! Here, have this tree so I can complete the cyclical nature of this tweet!
Let us mourn the loss of the phrase "Too Soon." You were gone too soon, "too soon." Too soon? Too soon.
"Every snowflake is unique," said this snowflake. Or maybe it was that one? Jeez, this is confusing.
Dry hands so Cracked, they just wrote a humorous online article about the 5 Most Famous Fingers From Movies You've Never Seen.
You live. You love. You loathe. You lisp. You lunge. You lacerate. You lubricate. You learn a lexicon of "L" words that you use liberally.
I can't take any more Internet hoaxes. Just kidding! I can take seven more. And you suckers totally fell for it.
Get WaffleSwap: The app that alerts me when you make a waffle. I pick it up and send* you a new one! (*Allow 7-10 years for waffle delivery)
"Santa, you are.....NOT the Father Christmas!" - Merry Povich
Looks like that last one was a Mitch Hedberg joke, so it must go. <places tweet on ship. lights it on fire. sends it to Valhalla>
"A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer," he wrote in his letter from prison.
My main hobby is talking about my other hobbies, which include at-length hobby discussions and detailed breakdowns of my main hobby.
The only way to kill a clown is to shoot it in the skee balls.
Dreamt I was eating a huge marshmallow. Woke up and my pillow was gone. Only one explanation: I traded my pillow for that huge marshmallow.
Spider-Man's pants deflate slowly as he floats toward a tipsy Buzz Lightyear balloon. Welcome to Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade: After Dark.
Tying the garlic knot with a beautiful calzone.
Outgoing mail is more likely to make new friends and ask out Becky, the head letter sorter at the Post Office.