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Oh Twitter Ladies, your imaginary sex drives are just adorable!
If you think Facebook isn't fun, I bet you haven't created a profile for someone's dead grandmother so she can complain about being in Hell.
When I hear a younger man lusting over women with really long hair, I want to teach him everything I know about unclogging drains.
Oh 80's, I love your music so much sometimes that I can almost forgive you for what you did to my hair.
Hippies: I'm sure hemp makes great fabric, but I don't need clown pants. Make a smart-looking sportcoat out of it, and we'll talk.
I'm thankful for Twitter, because if I wrote this stuff in a notebook and someone found it, I'd be committed.
Anyone wanting to hide information from me should just put it in a spreadsheet and email it to me.
Sometimes I like to think of you people as my talking stamp collection.
When no one acknowledges the 800 pound gorilla in the room, no one sees his tiny gorilla tears.
I just renamed my to-do list "FEARS" and now everything makes a little more sense.
To me, Judo looks a lot like two drunk guys who just left a bar and tried to hug goodbye in an icy parking lot.
Ladies, it's the 21st century. You need a man who saves his receipts, not one that can protect you from a bear.
I'm not anti-social, I just like people in moderation.
I'm kinda glad I've never won the lottery, 'cause deep down I know my imagination should never get proper funding.
"THE DM'S ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!" Admit it, that would scare the shit out of you.
I just don't see the need for multiple wives, since one woman is practically four different people already.
In other news: putting the smoking area next to the bike racks created the most passive-aggressive gang rivalry in history.
Guys, don't waste money on Karate so you can fight 4 dudes. Try being less of a dick so everyone doesn't want to beat the shit out of you.
It's important to dress in layers. My outermost layer is fake cheerfulness.
I feel better about my life when I think of it as a "well-crafted cautionary tale."
I'm two cubicles over. Stand up and wave! I tricked @ObviousNichole into marrying me.