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Oh Twitter Ladies, your imaginary sex drives are just adorable!
If you think Facebook isn't fun, I bet you haven't created a profile for someone's dead grandmother so she can complain about being in Hell.
When I hear a younger man lusting over women with really long hair, I want to teach him everything I know about unclogging drains.
Hippies: I'm sure hemp makes great fabric, but I don't need clown pants. Make a smart-looking sportcoat out of it, and we'll talk.
Oh 80's, I love your music so much sometimes that I can almost forgive you for what you did to my hair.
I'm thankful for Twitter, because if I wrote this stuff in a notebook and someone found it, I'd be committed.
Anyone wanting to hide information from me should just put it in a spreadsheet and email it to me.
Sometimes I like to think of you people as my talking stamp collection.
When no one acknowledges the 800 pound gorilla in the room, no one sees his tiny gorilla tears.
To me, Judo looks a lot like two drunk guys who just left a bar and tried to hug goodbye in an icy parking lot.
Ladies, it's the 21st century. You need a man who saves his receipts, not one that can protect you from a bear.
I'm kinda glad I've never won the lottery, 'cause deep down I know my imagination should never get proper funding.
I'm not anti-social, I just like people in moderation.
"THE DM'S ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!" Admit it, that would scare the shit out of you.
Guys, don't waste money on Karate so you can fight 4 dudes. Try being less of a dick so everyone doesn't want to beat the shit out of you.
In other news: putting the smoking area next to the bike racks created the most passive-aggressive gang rivalry in history.
I feel better about my life when I think of it as a "well-crafted cautionary tale."
I just renamed my to-do list "FEARS" and now everything makes a little more sense.
It's important to dress in layers. My outermost layer is fake cheerfulness.
I just don't see the need for multiple wives, since one woman is practically four different people already.