The speed at which I just ate that Costco hot dog is making me question my sexuality.

I just farted and a passer by said it smelled like a hot yoga studio. I'm counting that as exercise today.

Women who drive large SUV's have tiny pussies right?

My dog just killed a dove. It sounded nothing like that Prince song.

I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

We hear you motorcycle guy! We hear you!

Bob and I celebrated 100 days accident free at work by busting out the skull bong at lunch and hit it until we couldn't see.

I bought some KY Intense to masturbate with. Because I'm fucking worth it, That's why!

A bath is pretty relaxing. Until you realize you're in a rapidly cooling pool of your own grime.

You can't spell "loneliness" without "cats". Also I don't spell very well.

Well that wouldn't be the first Kohls advertisement I've masturbated to.

I'm buying $3 worth of spray starch. Look the fuck out success!

We get it people who run, we get it!

Trust me when I say this guys, your dick is not even close to being big enough to pull off white dress shoes.

Hey women under 30, I'll not stare at your tits during our conversation if you don't say "like" every other word, deal?

I don't care if it's Wii bowling, I still want to smoke and drink while doing it.

Pro Tip: If a guy says he'll only put it in half way, he means the back half.

Missed connection: you wearing a Jethro Tull tank top, no bra. Me drunkenly yelling "I'm the mayor of this fuckin 711, just ask Four Square"

Arby's just came out and said they're for lesbians with the new open faced roast beef sandwich.

I just sent some sperm on an egg hunt.

I really hope this red head on the new Wendy's commercials is referring to her vag when she says "face deep in a Baconator".