I'm not a psychologist, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track cured 75% of ADHD

It looks like the problem is just your radiator cap. It's attached to a piece of shit.

Twitter is just really an app that makes okay to talk to yourself.

My dad once said , if youre presented with a choice, always fuck the quiet girl.

"you smell like pot" My mom whispering to me across the table at lunch 2hrs from now.

Australian men are lucky. Their girlfriends can carry all their tools and shit in their pouch.

No, I didn't see that commercial. I have a DVR.

Wanted: Cool hot chick with insurance who likes to plant flowers and shit like that.

Yea! New people that don't hate me yet. Yea!

I wish somebody would tell me which Twitter clique I'm in.

if I had a dingo I would absolutely name him Bingo.

Lets get some of those fried rubberbands. You mean calamari? Yeah, those thingys

Woman do not find my tractor sexy.

The tweets are coming from inside my house.

All my labs are very friendly, but dont think for 1 second they won't fucking drown your dog over a tennis ball. It's just business.

I'm going to the mall today and sit in front of Kay's and heckle guys while stuffing my face with soft pretzels.

This bowl of raisin bran is the worst Doritos ever.

Brand new chain on the pipe in the basement. I'm ready to start dating again.

I left my dignity at the Golden Corral

Hot tub for sale on Craigslist. Does the dildo come with it or is that extra? Brahahhahahahaha pic.twitter.com/Gm0eYW0Q