I would do some very regrettable things for a dozen Krispy Kremes right now

Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

Service station was out of sausage biscuits so I'm going to make a kid cry today.

I can't remember my MySpace password

I need 8 more followers. Time to get some spam bots! Walmart, McDonalds, IPad, iPhone, boobs

Remember Ole Miss fans when you chanted "Houston Nutt" in Razorback Stadium in 2008? Well we are #8 in the nation right now...jokes on you!

18 years and I still don't know the words to Snow's Informer song

Show off your rod...fish naked

Just hit the 40lbs lost mark. I'm going to go make fun of fat people now.

Woke up skinny and sexy today

"because I said so" is my answer to everything today

If you send your child to school in a t shirt and shorts without a coat in 20 degree weather I should get to hit you in the face with a ball

Good morning to the 3 followers who pay attention to me!

I wanna mount you like a big mouth bass #MCTC

The NFL season starts tonight. In other news, vibrator sales rise 64%.

I thought Tebow was the big black guy who rode a bike on Friday

Hit the 30lbs lost mark this morning. I'm the hottest guy within like a tenth of a mile.

Apparently an entire bag of Kit Kats will cause a stomach ache.

Bye bye Joe Pa!!! Should have saved those little boys' asses years ago instead of saving your own! #Pennstate

This is why big girls shouldn't wear leggings http://t.co/Oq2Eq5HU