The English cucumber has long been a favorite among UK housewives. Little Known Fact: Also recently found to be edible.

Worst words EVER uttered by a 4yo under a bridge on the bike path: "Look Daddy! I found a balloon!"

Why Hershey's decided to call them Kisses instead of Nipples, I'll never understand.

Lately, Twitter feels like a insane house party we crashed, while FaceBook is starting to resemble my grandparents' 60th anniversary dinner.

Once the momentum is built, some people can just fart on the keyboard & get 100 stars.

The guy sitting next to me at Starbucks is staring deeply into his blackberry and laughing. Arrogantly, I wonder if he follows me.

Dude kept making gang signs at me, pointing up & yelling. I gave him the finger as I drove by. Yeah!! Then the grocery bag slid off my roof

You know that you and your partner are overweight when your 69 looks more like an 88.

I'm having a low performance day today. My tweets suck more than usual. On the plus side, my standards for starring your crap are also lower

I feel misunderstood today...like the time I accidentally spilled conditioner in the shower & later Dad decided we needed to have "the talk"

Being an asshole means never having to say you're sorry.

My 3yo: I have a frog in my throat. Me: Want a drink of water? 3yo: He's already wet.

Why haven't they made a Pez dispenser of Elvis yet? I mean think about it: Elvis Pezley?

Me: I got #FFs, new followers, & stars today!
Wife: <blank stare>
Me: ...I, uh, WON at Twitter.
Wife: That's great sweetie. Pass the peas

Dear Guests: Don't fart out loud in the baby's room... unless you WANT the entire house to hear it.

I just smelled my 10mo's butt to find out if he's poopy & AnnieBelly, our auxiliary dog, gave me a "Thaaat's what I'm talkin' bout!" nod.

I have a shotglass of whiskey in front of me. I feel like such a cowboy.

What this moment needs is someone to break a chair on my back.

I've never been in a booby trap but, if the name's any indication, I think its genius is a total lack of incentive for the quarry to escape.

You know you've really misled your kid when he's kissing his own owies and thinking they're better.

To get on the leaderboard, a tweet has to hit 10+ stars within the hour. Well MY followers have JOBS & can't read/star until their next poop