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Dogs don't wear pants
so, when they fart & walk away,
the fart doesn't go with them.
What I Learned from the Clams I Ate Today:
If you want to get revenge on your murderer, eat a lot of sand.
Me: Hi.
Homeless guy: I AM NOT INVISIBLE!!
Me: I know. It's why I just said hi.
Homeless guy: Oh yeah.
Me: What you are is unimportant.
I took Ambien right before going into the bathroom.
Long story short, that's why they had to amputate my legs.
To all the women whose birth control failed them, happy Made The Best Of It day!!
We appreciate you taking one for the team.
My birthday & Mothers' Day finally collided.
This morning's breakfast-in-bed standoff was epic.
Related: I'm still hungry.
I call this Kansas Trailer Park. #cappuccino #art #noreally #ishouldgetpaidforthis http://instagram.com/p/ZL6P_1q2mF/
It's lucky that Cookbooks are displayed immediately next to Humor. But where would my book potentially… http://instagram.com/p/ZLci8ZK2gD/
The way I deal with insomnia is I lay in bed & do stuff on my phone & basically bore myself to sleep.
So I just want to thank you guys...
Well, it's either this or I eat a whole pile of chocolate.
LOLJK, I also ate a whole pile of… http://instagram.com/p/ZKY21Aq2j-/
Throwback Thursday: My 2nd day as a Dad.
Or, in his view, apparently...
someone to pee on.
#tbt… http://instagram.com/p/ZH1jOnK2kf/
I think there's a special place in hell being saved for the person who designed Ikea shopping carts to… http://instagram.com/p/ZGyDTnq2kA/
People wore high waisted jeans in the '70s & '80s to keep all the pubic hair under control.
Driving home with the convertible top down seemed like a great idea til I got stuck at a red light next to the crazy screaming homeless guy.
Being an asshole means never having to say you're sorry. 18+
