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Just walked around my house for 5 minutes looking for something I was holding.
In case any of you wanted to party with me later.
"Y'all I am so drunk.". -- Female mating call.
For people who think Twitter isn't good for anything, sometimes pushing that follow button can change your life for ever.
If everything talked about on Twitter actually happened, there would be cum everywhere.
I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I get shitfaced and pee in the clothes hamper. Stay thirsty my friends.
I am pretty sure my tombstone will read "This Dumbass Fell Off A Cliff While Reading Twitter".
Sometimes a woman just wants to be held and romanced. Sometimes she wants a smack on the ass and hair tug. Knowing which to do when is sexy.
I can't subtweet for shit. Always winds up "Hey WHORE, I see u found a new twitter crush. U suck @ "insert twitter name here"". Go figure.
Today could only get more fun if midgets used my balls for punching bags.
Is it wrong that I hit 5 straight 100s in skee ball at Chuck E Cheese and ripped off my shirt and yelled
I just drove through Cincinnati and I can't find WKRP on any fucking stations I'm beginning to think that it wasn't real.
5 minutes after they are gone if all you can think is "I miss your face.".
Yes you have it bad for them.
Need to feel better about myself, about to head to Wal Mart.
Just heard a guy say "that's grody". I said "it's so tubular" and throat punched him. Welcome to Fight Club 1980s style!
Been told that orgasms prolong life. If the ones by yourself count, look out year 2300 I am on my way!
Are u sure u want to give me a blowjob, I mean what if I accidently cum in your mouth? -- Things I will never say
If you turn her into a love sick schoolgirl just with your presence. Hold onto her with all ya got, cause she's the one.
If you can't grow up and act like or be a real man, kindly step out of the way and let a real one show you how it's done.
Truly love someone, give them freedom, give them trust, let them be themselves, take them without conditions and remind them daily you do.
There are some real pearls of wisdom here. This is not one of them. "Don't sneeze and fart at the same time w/out a change of underwear."
Funny, fun loving, beer, bourbon, good wine, a good cigar and friends. If the Mystery Machine is rockin' don't bother knockin'.