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This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.
For a gender that can have multiple orgasms and can masturbate under a table without anyone knowing, you women sure are uptight.
I'm wearing my Superman t-shirt under my work shirt, which I'm sure the paramedics will find ironic after I throw myself out of the window.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.
If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats?
Everytime I write a BP joke I have to delete it because it's over 140 characters.
It's like the words just won't stop coming out.
It's such a gorgeous day today.
I can't wait to spend 8 hours of it in a windowless office with people I hate.
A cop is pulling someone over?
Quick! Everyone slow down to 40!
He might leave that guy and come after you!
I hope you all fucking die.
A bug just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my office.
Cutting my tongue on the lid of that can of nacho cheese isn't the most pathetic thing I've ever done, but doing it again probably was.
It's serene and peaceful and quiet right now.
The kind of quiet that means your kid is fucking up something expensive.
Can one package of ramen noodles effectively feed a family of three? Find out this week on, "Jesus Christ I'm so fucking poor."
If I ever offend you, and you feel the need to say something about it, please, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself
My wife just put the mixing bowl for the cake in the sink, without letting me lick it.
My boss just bought a Porsche.
I'm so happy I could help him save up for that by not getting a raise last year.
When someone pisses me off, I plan their destruction in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I make a sandwich instead.
When the only food in the house is hot dogs and chocolate frosting, the only thing to eat is shame.
Sweet, meaty, delicious shame.
I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm so awesome, even my enemies list me as an emergency contact.
My coffee maker is on the fritz so I'm afraid you're all going to have to shut the fuck up and die.
I just ran over this dude with my car.
It's ok though, I left a note.
My dad told me, 'You're such a fucking comedian.' So I got a Twitter account because that's apparently what we comedians do.