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  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.

    • 460
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenPearlFuturezachheltzelrmeman69sudhu_113SarahBoswelltia7xCoastiefish
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    Tioughnioga______tashamielrmeman69sudhu_113llibazdarapahcDarianCadedogboyeGoldenBlackIIIV
    conanobrienswyfcareywinkle
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    For a gender that can have multiple orgasms and can masturbate under a table without anyone knowing, you women sure are uptight.

    • 334
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenwesleybordelonCraigChamberlin_Gambrinous______wannajuanabrownpoopypantsLorrax710annebocci
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    brownpoopypantsxtrodinarylifeStrayvibesdragonboyrnDavidBecker7tomcozzarinpierieandsteveTheLunchbox32oz
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    I'm wearing my Superman t-shirt under my work shirt, which I'm sure the paramedics will find ironic after I throw myself out of the window.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    wesleybordelonImAJuicyGirl_jshmllrFridaysFailureMandyBeth0143CraigChamberlin_Gambrinous______mmrsnmrtn
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    EssamAMostafaHenducciaiKagaimmrsnmrtnpohtehtohhKevs_KitchenJaseJester______DeathByDestrukt
    scenesfromahat
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenCraigChamberlinMindBytesbrownpoopypantsNatyBietzchitenniscoachbrandongoodaleJoeMunsterman
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    brownpoopypantsbrandongoodaleErikNewman01
    JerryThomas
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats?

    Shame.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenCraigChamberlin_Gambrinous______botanicazillachitenniscoachSirPavlovaMomfiaSilentDigressor
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    dlebeufGOVRDemotionocean58JasonbouwmanKerriKillsJustinMajorCTMatt7sdGhettoMedick
    jackmackenroth
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    Everytime I write a BP joke I have to delete it because it's over 140 characters.

    It's like the words just won't stop coming out.

    • 204
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenCraigChamberlinbotanicazillachitenniscoachJimboleemJTQuestJihadPizzaStarrcastic1
    designersaysGreeblehaus
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    It's such a gorgeous day today.

    I can't wait to spend 8 hours of it in a windowless office with people I hate.

    • 197
    • FAVS
    _blueeyedzombieMarcusTheTokenwesleybordelonCraigChamberlinbotanicazillachitenniscoachOutrageousMJTQuest
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    JihadPizzaartlop3
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    A cop is pulling someone over?

    Quick! Everyone slow down to 40!

    He might leave that guy and come after you!

    I hope you all fucking die.

    • 163
    • FAVS
    zombotMarcusTheTokenStokelyRainbowCarly_MarleytheothervoicesAndLive2LoveCraigChamberlinhiiicaitlin
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    UziCartierlaurendeee51theothervoicesAndLive2LoveThePithySmithy
    FastGurlscenesfromahat
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    A bug just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my office.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    zombotMarcusTheTokenCraigChamberlinllvvzzLorrax710chitenniscoachJimboleemJTQuest
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Pirate_Twinkie
    goldengateblond
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    Cutting my tongue on the lid of that can of nacho cheese isn't the most pathetic thing I've ever done, but doing it again probably was.

    • 136
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenwesleybordelonCraigChamberlinchitenniscoachJTQuestDJHouseSlippersJohnielDanpinapl
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    It's serene and peaceful and quiet right now.

    The kind of quiet that means your kid is fucking up something expensive.

    • 132
    • FAVS
    zombotMarcusTheTokenwesleybordelonwannajuanabotanicazillachitenniscoachJTQuestDJHouseSlippers
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    moniramirezhRobertoenemigoDirtyFurDisco
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    Can one package of ramen noodles effectively feed a family of three? Find out this week on, "Jesus Christ I'm so fucking poor."

    • 73
    • FAVS
    zombotMarcusTheTokenwesleybordelonbotanicazillastekellchitenniscoach_bossnovaJimboleem
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    Chad_BoyleKid_Pasta2loveNhateRealLifeTravisHagarMAWJesseRackson22SuSuSuDonym______chris14612
    JaySuch
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    If I ever offend you, and you feel the need to say something about it, please, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself

    • 105
    • FAVS
    zombotMarcusTheTokenwannajuanatheonlymuppetchitenniscoachJTQuestDJHouseSlippers_blueeyedzombie
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favscourtneyleia__TheWrongWomanqaddafiambuhmassacreirawhitejr________tamytoo2this503girl______
    vagstar
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    My wife just put the mixing bowl for the cake in the sink, without letting me lick it.

    Sorry, EX-wife.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    zombotMarcusTheTokenwesleybordelontheonlymuppetchitenniscoachDJHouseSlipperspinaplmeganshpettit
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    theonlymuppet
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    My boss just bought a Porsche.

    I'm so happy I could help him save up for that by not getting a raise last year.

    • 128
    • FAVS
    theDUDE___AdInsanitumMarcusTheTokenwesleybordelonchitenniscoachJimboleemJTQuestDJHouseSlippers
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    theDUDE___zombotThePithySmithy
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    When someone pisses me off, I plan their destruction in my head.

    Then I realize how long that will take and I make a sandwich instead.

    • 125
    • FAVS
    zombot_blueeyedzombieMarcusTheTokenchitenniscoachJimboleemJTQuestDJHouseSlipperspinapl
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    When the only food in the house is hot dogs and chocolate frosting, the only thing to eat is shame.

    Sweet, meaty, delicious shame.

    • 122
    • FAVS
    MarcusTheTokenbotanicazillachitenniscoachJTQuestDJHouseSlipperspinaplCynicalJessMela_De
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Pirate_Twinkie
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm so awesome, even my enemies list me as an emergency contact.

    • 120
    • FAVS
    chitenniscoachJimboleemDJHouseSlippersCynicalJessMela_DeCantankerous_EDirtyFurDiscoMatt_Tice________
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    My coffee maker is on the fritz so I'm afraid you're all going to have to shut the fuck up and die.

    • 118
    • FAVS
    llvvzzchitenniscoachJimboleemJTQuestDJHouseSlipperspinaplCynicalJessjaymarsee
  • RyanJJohn
      Ryan J John @RyanJJohn

    I just ran over this dude with my car.

    It's ok though, I left a note.

    • 116
    • FAVS
    zombotbotanicazillatheonlymuppetchitenniscoachDJHouseSlipperspinaplCynicalJessMela_De
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Pirate_Twinkie
@RyanJJohn

@RyanJJohn

My dad told me, 'You're such a fucking comedian.' So I got a Twitter account because that's apparently what we comedians do.