Protip; for more defined muscles, use a magic marker to write their scientific name on them.

.@russellcrowe I'm not dating Natalie Imbruglia either, bro. So I totally identify with you.

Me: Que mas necesita?
Dude: Es todo.
M: I blessed the raaains down in Aaaaafrica.
D: *confused look*
M: Es Toto.

Never gets old

#BadPornTitles Catch Her in the Eye

Directions to a party typed out entirely in Wingdings font so only 90's kids can find it.

*sarcastic voice* Nice dick, does it come in men's? *everyone in gym locker room leaves nervously as you stare into mirror*

One day, I will tweet something that gets 50+ retweets. And on that day, I will throw my phone off the highest point in Houston.

Sects: I am an Atheist, you are an agnostic. I know that I can't please you because female orgasm is myth, you are unsure so we try anyway.

"Yeah, I know him. Heck of a guy. Real nice guy. Gives a hell of a back rub." - me, whenever people ask me if I know someone I don't.

I did the math and if I cut out cigarettes and breakfast tacos I could save a lot of money while being completely unhappy.

Every day, come up with a to do list and a to don't list. To do: anything for love. To don't: that. - motivational speakerloaf

Sand makes me sad because it is just a bunch of huge rocks that couldn't keep it together and got worn down over time.

Power rankings of shit I am afraid of. 1. Lions 2. Bears 3. Velociraptors 4. If 1-3 were somehow able to fly.

Excuse me, sir, your coed bowling team is prohibited from using the name "Bowlkkake" this is a family league.

Oh yeah boner cloud #neverforget #cloudcrew #bonercloudcrew http://t.co/RFLX6VYe

#CallACutieOut you weren't fooling anyone, hiding in that red mesh bag. Everyone knows you're a regular orange. Own it pic.twitter.com/oj2Beh9Z

Would be funny if a dude ran for president, won, revealed that he only ran to impress a girl, then proposed at inauguration and she said no.

I could probably survive at least a month in the wilderness with only a pocket knife and a corner store within a mile of the wilderness.

Travel back in time, throw tons upon tons of Viagra and extenze to brontosauruses. Bask in the new current low gas prices.

Please forward all of my calls to Funky Town.