Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Pregnant ladies can't play laser tag because the lasers have the possibility of making the baby totally awesome.
If you don't buy clothes made in sweat shops, then all those children died for nothing. Try living with that on your conscience.
GUYS! I JUST ATE 8 LEAN POCKETS! I'M GOING TO BE SO THIN!
When someone tells me they don't get twitter, I've now resorted to telling them that it's a show about nothing.
When someone says "See you later, Alligator." Don't fire back with "After awhile, pedophile!" It doesn't go over well.
Clever rhyme though.
I got worked like a three dollar whore today. Meaning I earned 3 dollars today. Whoring.
If you're playing Monopoly by yourself and you win 2nd place in a beauty contest, it's alright to pretend you got 1st place.
"Dad" is such an old fashioned term. "Guardian" however, sounds awesome and should come with a sword.
When I see a girl at work going to the bathroom at the same time as me, I like to ask, 'Hey are you pooping too?' Because you never know.
Why is it that if you make fun of Canadians you're hilarious, but if you make fun of Mexicans you're a Republican? It doesn't seem fair.
I think I'm going to get full back tattoo of a wizard fighting a giant wolf. You know, to advertise to the ladies how awesome I am.
Listen. If you don't understand English, then why don't you get in your damn spaceship and leave? Canadians live in space, right?
My poor baby is sick. But my rich one has access to all the healthcare it wants.
I just voted myself most likely to live in a van and solve mysteries. So I'm pretty sure that Nobel Prize is mine next year.
I put the "y" in "gym."
I think a fun prank would be if I went back in time and slept with your mom. Then I'd be your dad; and you'd never see that coming.
Not wearing pants is funny on the internet, but they don't seem to like it at church.
Jesus would get it.
I have a dream.
A dream where we don't have to communicate through machines and we can all crack jokes in person.
And no one wears pants.
Life's always an adventure when you just go around slapping strangers in the face.
I just bought a bottle of bleach and some mouth wash. This is going to be the best prank ever!
My life is like a Hurricane. Race Cars, Lasers, Aeroplanes. I might solve a mystery or rewrite history.