I do have some work to do today, but apparently I'm going to go ahead and try to look at the entire internet first.

The best part about "killing them with kindness" is that you still get to kill someone.

Starting now and for the rest of your life: every single time you look at Saturday you will see the word turd.

It's a good thing I screwed up my credit otherwise I'd be able to get more credit at which point I might really screw up my credit

A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $125.

It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

Is there a way to set up my phone so it notifies me every time someone from elementary school forgets something humiliating from my past?

Hey racists - all Asian people do NOT look alike. If you want I can draw you a picture of the three different faces they can have.

Ice-T and his wife Coco have the market pretty much cornered in the "Married couples who are named after beverages" department.

How long do I have to wait after learning something new before I'm allowed to start acting like people who don't know it are super dumb?

Probably my biggest fear right now is that Occupy Wall Street has all been some sort of elaborate viral marketing campaign for "Tower Heist"

As a freelancer I actually resent 3 day weekends. Mainly because staying home and fucking around on a random Monday is sort of MY turf.

This one goes out to anyone who spends too much time electronically monitoring their social life to actually have one.

I would have to say that West Side Story is arguably my favorite musical about a race war.

If I ever won the lottery I would get SO many moles removed

On an average day, the shittiest musician on the planet still has a better shot at getting laid than the world's greatest music critic.

Part of me wishes George Clooney would join Twitter, but only to tweet "Feeling handsome today" every single morning upon waking.

If you can't beat em, join em. THEN beat em. With a claw hammer, while they're sleeping. (They'll never see it coming)!!

@eliroth You're 64-Down in the New York Times Crossword today. Congrats

WARNING TO FAT PEOPLE: the second they get you to like salad they're going to try to take away the dressing. Don't fall for it fat people!!