REMEMBER THAT TWEET I MADE 12 HOURS AGO? I'M GOING TO LINK IT FOR YOU BECAUSE I WANT YOUR VALIDATION SO HARD BABY

It is kind of insane how unnecessarily aggressive male tweeters are towards @jenkirkman.

@dcpierson WARP HORSE! ((*warp noise*) "SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS! Is that a h-" "NEIGH!" (*Horse chest kicks John Wilkes Booth off of balcony*))

@whattodowithapi SKIP THE PIZZA ACROSS THE OCEAN LIKE A SMOOTH STONE

@dresdencodak Next on CW: The Justice League is reimagined as a bunch of moody college students who have lots of sex and are also vampires.

@whattodowithapi TAKE IT ON A BEAUTIFUL VACATION TO EUROPE GET IT TAKEN BY PIZZA TRAFFICKERS AND USE A CERTAIN SET OF SKILLS TO GET IT BACK

@elibraden They couldn't play "Boobs Like Quivers" instead!?

Hey, does @jonahray not like the band fun.? He never talks about it.

I don't think 5 Hour Energy is doing well because they are only spending about 200 dollars on each commercial they shoot

WE GOT FUCKED BY THE REFS BUT WE STILL GET PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO PLAY FOOTBALL AND BLOWJOBS PROBABLY GROW ON TREES

@marcmaron STOP DISTRACTING ME I AM TRYING TO BREAK MY RECORD

@productiveouts Planes in the Anaheim area have been asked to fly around in fear of the pending matchup between Trumbo and Zito.

@whattodowithapi WRITE IT LETTERS EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, THEN REUNITE WITH IT ON THE PORCH OF A BEAUTIFUL HOME AND MAKE OUT WITH IT

@uptomyknees The hostess sighed quietly and took you to the table.

Ed Hardy Condoms: Make your dick look like an asshole!

@gerryduggan That's already the best miller lite commercial ever.

I HAVE A TATTOO OF A MUSIC NOTE BECAUSE I LIKE MUSIC AND HAVE NO CREATIVITY WHATSOEVER.

If you don't love day baseball I don't know if we can hang.

The number 4 baby name for guys this year has been "Jayden". You should all be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Remember people: Tonight Clint Eastwood talked to a chair and people cheered. THIS WAS NOT A MOVIE