I often console grammar Nazis with the phrase ”their, there, they're.”

I don't pretend to be a genius but I don't have kids, I've never been married, and drugs are good.

Spelling is key when searching for "antique black clock" on google. Ew.

I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would've told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn't want to get mugged.

White chicks trying to be hood-

You sound like a cum-cave who got her pound-hole banged around by some guy she met in a bodega.

Stop it.

When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.

"Did you cum?" - why is it when I say it I sound apologetic but when she says it she sounds accusatory?

I was so fucking lazy yesterday that Forest Whitaker's left eye has filed a Copyright Infringement lawsuit against my ass cheeks.

People probably think I'm trying to clean my phone's screen if they catch me licking it in public, but really, I just like some of your avis

I hope I cross your mind, once in awhile, so I don't feel so fucking pathetic for thinking about your stupid ass all the fucking time.

I'm the guy who takes the long way home so you can spend more time regretting your decision to go on a date with me in the first place.

I'm a girl that loves to show a man exactly what I like sexually. So I start with a brief power point presentation before hand.

Started my day off with a couple Bloody Mary's now finishing my 3rd Rusty Nail. So yeah, I'm feeling real religious right now.

Asking how many people I've slept with is like asking how many calories are in a Big Mac.

We both know you're still going to eat it.

"Not only is my voice much deeper than Carmelo Anthony's, I also have a WAY bigger dick than he does" --Brittney Griner

Chubby Girl: "You're cute. I would so have sex with you."

Me:"Aww, I'm flattened I mean flattered sorry. No, I meant flattened.You're big."

I could stare into your eyes forever
They make me want to sit on your face
Can't wait until we get together
Do you like lace? #sexyletter

If I Offended You in Any Way.........I'm Sorry...........I Tried to Offend You in EVERY WAY!!!!!!

I really don't see what the big deal is about swallowing. You have his pee hole in your mouth already. PEE HOLE. Stop half assing it.

New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.