I wanna piss in your sink

Brushing your teeth then eatin an apple is the same thing as eating shit

Em ee tee eych oh dee, man.

Mustard stains inside my jacket pocket from forever ago pic.twitter.com/LMfhE3GK

#fact boys http://t.co/8Wdt1V0V

Proud of myself for the fact that i haven't started spying on my new neighbors yet

I am here to do the devils work

I have every intention of going to dairy queen in my pajamas. Somebody stop meh

Where are my cat shoes

I'd do about nything for the person who'd bring a glass of ice water to me in bed right now.

you afraid son?

I love when old ladies curse

"If you love something set it free, or cripple it so it can't leave"

JUST TOOK MY PIZZA OUT OF THE OVEN N DROPPED IT ON THW FLOOR :( :( :(

Washing my hair is my least favorite day of the month #sadtweet

I hate ppl who dont know how to layer a sandwich properly.

I wish i could retweet myself

Guys with cats give automatic boners

I don't even understand how i have followers

If i was rich every room in my house would have a dock with an ipod on it