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"Do what you love." ~Rich people
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The number of hashtags you use on Instagram pix is equal to the number of psych meds you should be on.
It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.
If I don't return 17 calls,9 texts,& 7 emails, it's safe to assume you've been blown off & bumped up to Borderline Stalker Status. Sorry Mom
My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!"
“I’m working on it.” = Haven’t done shit
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I swear to god if this girl doesn't get my coffee order right I'm gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again tomorrow.
The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the fuck are they going, 1989??
I'm like the David Hasselhoff of Twitter. I'm not particularly funny or talented, but they fucking love me in Europe.
Angry people who can’t take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can.
Guys, when us girls travel in packs to the ladies' room, we are ripping our clothes off, rubbing our bodies together & making out. Busted.
Supercuts is one step away from handing you the scissors & saying, “Here, you fix it.”
Got 86'd from Whole Foods for showering
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