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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
"Do what you love." ~Rich people
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The number of hashtags you use on Instagram pix is equal to the number of psych meds you should be on.
It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.
If I don't return 17 calls,9 texts,& 7 emails, it's safe to assume you've been blown off & bumped up to Borderline Stalker Status. Sorry Mom
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table. It’s what they want.
My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!"
“I’m working on it.” = Haven’t done shit
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I swear to god if this girl doesn't get my coffee order right I'm gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again tomorrow.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the fuck are they going, 1989??
If you’re just now coming to the conclusion that Bill Cosby did rape those women only because he admitted it, you’re part of the problem.
The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."
I'm like the David Hasselhoff of Twitter. I'm not particularly funny or talented, but they fucking love me in Europe.
Got 86'd from Whole Foods for showering
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