New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.

It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!"

Me: "Poverty."

If I don't return 17 calls,9 texts,& 7 emails, it's safe to assume you've been blown off & bumped up to Borderline Stalker Status. Sorry Mom

“I’m working on it.” = Haven’t done shit

If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."

I'm like the David Hasselhoff of Twitter. I'm not particularly funny or talented, but they fucking love me in Europe.

Guys, when us girls travel in packs to the ladies' room, we are ripping our clothes off, rubbing our bodies together & making out. Busted.

Angry people who can’t take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can.

I don't care if you wear footie pj's or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADASS.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.

"The dryer adds 10 lbs." ~Jeans

Target, you are one classy motherfucker. ~Walmart

My natural hair color is shut your whore mouth.

Best advice when you're angry is to calm down, take a deep breath & walk away... far enough to safely detonate the explosives.

My tweets would be so much funnier in person because I have nice tits.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
"I swallowed for this??"