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New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.
If I don't return 17 calls,9 texts,& 7 emails, it's safe to assume you've been blown off & bumped up to Borderline Stalker Status. Sorry Mom
My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!"
“I’m working on it.” = Haven’t done shit
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."
I'm like the David Hasselhoff of Twitter. I'm not particularly funny or talented, but they fucking love me in Europe.
Growing up, we had twerking too, except it was called 'That girl isn’t right in the head.’
Angry people who can’t take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can.
Guys, when us girls travel in packs to the ladies' room, we are ripping our clothes off, rubbing our bodies together & making out. Busted.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the fuck are they going, 1989??
Supercuts is one step away from handing you the scissors & saying, “Here, you fix it.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I don't care if you wear footie pj's or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADASS.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.
"The dryer adds 10 lbs." ~Jeans
My workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.