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"Do what you love." ~Rich people
Porn is such bullshit bc there’s no way a guy with tribal tattoos has a mortgage on a house with a spiral staircase & travertine floors.
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The number of hashtags you use on Instagram pix is equal to the number of psych meds you should be on.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.
Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.
I'll wait 20 mins in line at Starbucks to get coffee, but if your picture takes more than 2 seconds to load on my phone, fuck off.
Overheard in Starbucks:
Guy 1: "Go ask her out."
Guy 2: "Dude, I'm unemployed."
Guy 1: "Tell her you're an entrepreneur."
I'm going home.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table. It’s what they want.
If I don't return 17 calls,9 texts,& 7 emails, it's safe to assume you've been blown off & bumped up to Borderline Stalker Status. Sorry Mom
My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!"
“I’m working on it.” = Haven’t done shit
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I swear to god if this girl doesn't get my coffee order right I'm gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again tomorrow.
Got 86'd from Whole Foods for showering http://Instagram.com/scbchbum/
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