I couldn't get a retweet if I were in a twitter whore house with a fist full of stars!

The worst thing about love is the big pussy I turn into when we breakup!

I am not a twitter addict, I'm a twitter fanatic, big difference!

little bro: I met this girl online and I really like her! me: if you met her on fb send her flowers, if twitter, a pic of your junk will do!

I wish Kris Jenner would fess up and tell khloe that andre the giant is her real father!

so I smoked pot for the first time in over 10 years, the doctor in the emergency room said the valium should kick in anytime!

I couldn't date a girl on twitter because the first time she missed staring one of my tweets it would be over!

On hoarders I want to see someone hoard a stock pile of cleaning products!

It's awful, all these horny woman on twitter and no way to get to them?

I'm not a narc, but the bitch with half a grocery cart full of shit in the 10 or items or less line needs to be called out!

Pink is not my favorite color, it's the color of my favorite thing!

Axed: End, cancel, or dismiss suddenly and ruthlessly.
Asked: Say something in order to obtain an answer.
Any questions?

There's not many things an apology and a good orgasm can't fix!

me: honey, can we get rid of your treadmill that you don't use? her: sure, as soon as you get rid of your twitter account! me: never mind!

Don't hang a pork chop around your neck and expect me to not wanna eat it!

the cricket sounds after my tweets are seriously fucking up my self esteem!

Twitter is like crack.
No matter how long your away from it, one tweet and your fucked!

If she says it's not you it's me. It's you, you fucking idiot!

When I was younger I could piss like a fire hydrant, now thank god for gravity!

I'm not sure if making a sandwich while watching P90X is the way that program works?