Listen buster, you better strap on some ears and start meowing, because I'm here for cats.

Dos anyone else feel creepy favoriting a tweet that is only 18 seconds old?

I just realized. Just now. That the people I adore the most have had some terrible thing happen to them, and they keep on living and loving.

Oh nothing, just sittin' around in public without my panties on. How about you?

Just so you know, I can parallel park like a mother-fucker

Why is any group targeted specifically for women so freaking lame? I'm looking at you, Curves.

The Devil is putting photographs of Panera bread on my Facebook page.

When someone says "I know I'm dating myself, here," I always think" Hell YES I'd date myself."

I wish Steve Jobs was alive, if only to answer for auto-correct.

I self-medicate with coffee, chocolate, and muffins, or a combination of the three.

The men who refer to women as "bitches" are just bitter over the rejection they get because teeny tiny penis

Oh fuck you, Life Alert. Old men fall in the shower, too.

Trust me on this: You get cosmic brownie points if you buy her flowers when she's sad about people dying.

I'm not wealthy cuz the Universe knows that if I win the lottery Im poised to hire someone to come over every day, just to apply my eyeliner

If I do decide to go back to get my Masters, my thesis will be on Twitter and the "Freudian typo."

"A Christmas Carol" with Tori Spelling, William Shatner, and Gary Coleman. I'm not kidding. The Hallmark Channel. Haha

I overheard an old lady say "lickety-split" and I thought, you smutty little tramp. #oldtweet

McCain has finally metamorphosed into a 4 inch penis

I think if someone named "Smooch of the Day" follows you, you just go with it and follow em back, because who doesn't like smooches?

You told me that Christians are supposed to be Christ-like, but I don't recall Jesus hoarding a platter of pastries in his SUV.