I want to die a hero but I've come to terms that I'll probably bite it while taking pictures with my cat

First time alcohol ruined my life: My mom spilled white russian on my karaoke machine.
Last time: Me, drunk, telling said story to my cat.

Standing in front of my mirror slapping myself in the face with a coy smile, "No, you're prettier..." Masturbation has gotten complicated.

Why do people who aren't funny even have a Twitter? No one cares that you're at the gym. We wanna feel the wrath of your daddy issues, honey

I brake for shadows. Shadows that look like deer... Or witches... Or trash cans.
GUYS I BROKE MY GLASSES!

The best part of waking up...


Is not having AIDS

It's advisable to poop your pants on a first date to see who really likes you for you and not just your clean pants

You could be in the process of self murder but you'd still be like, "Hold on, I gotta pee!" Having to pee saves lives

You never have to ask someone who's done too many drugs if they've done too many drugs.

Is it "gray" or "grey?"
My whole life boils down to this question

If cigarettes are more addictive than heroin I now have an excuse for pretty much everything

I don't expect all of you to understand what just happened to my butt, but I am asking acceptance and support.

Just got a letter I wrote to myself in high school about where I saw myself in 10 years.

In other news my wrist is bleeding pretty bad...

Wish I got paid for RT's. If I had a dollar for every time...
Six dollars. I'd have six dollars.

Just called every ex and told them I'm coming back. April Fools was going well until all my ex's committed suicide.

Sometimes I watch my vibrator vibrate alone atop my wooden dresser.
I feel nothing.
Who am I?

"I'm never taking emergency contraceptives again!" I yelled back at the pharmacy as I drove to another one to buy emergency contraceptives.

Referring to the "Mall Brawl" that left 9 arrested in MN- wonder if the dude who started it was listening to Yung Joc on his iPod

Hey guy in CVS asking me what there is to do around here tonight- the look in your eye says you'll busy murdering me.

Have you told your cat to shut the fuck up today?
National "I Hate My Cat" Awareness Day 2012