scientists postulate theoretical fifth loko

If a baby dies, is it a baby forever in heaven? Think about a city of babies, unable to care for themselves, yet unable to die.

#askObama A train leave Chicago going 50Mph and one leaves Cleveland going 55Mph. Where are the jobs. Where are they.

I named my dog 'HOLY SHIT HE'S GOT A GUN!!!!' Welp time to go to the dog park.

If I was Bill Murray's neighbor I would, at the same exact time every day, tell him how much I liked 'Groundhog Day'

Smoothest dick shaft goes to me. Smooth as hell. No hairs at all. Thank you academy. Thanks mom.

If I ever skydove i would hold a smoke bomb in my butt cheeks and pretend I was being shot down

I didn't say 'uppity'. I said 'up a tree' like a monk- wait I didn't say that either.

my new web show is called "are you guys gonna fuck?" and it's just me cockblocking dudes all over town with a camera and mic

1st basic troll lesson: add 'little' when you talk to someone about their achievements or endeavors. e.g. "I heard your little song..."

just had an ogredraft on my shreking account

49% of people in the US are almost half of all Americans

get an old coffee can and say, "Hang in there, you're a pretty great person!" into it and close the lid. Open it when you're feeling down.

haha you got chocolate on your khakis? yeah right! It's shit! You shit your dang knee! Lookit this nimrod what has a knee butthole! HAHA

The 10 worst kinds of ghosts: 1. snake 2. Buffalo 3. Clam 4. Ant colony 5. Shark 6. Giant snake 7. Ancient grocer 9. Eel 10. Dinosaur (rare)

I shuffled a Koran and a Bible together like a deck of cards and now there's a fat asian dude standing outside waiting to kick my ass

I have a bunch of other Ndamukong Suh puns, but he just got suspended and I don't like kicking a guy when he's down.

Mom uses one weird trick to find Richard the Third's bones

"I've got to drive really fast and crazy 1st thing in the morning to get to a place that I hate!" - an actual thing in America

the year is 2013. Kony is finally captured. His statement to the press: "Sorry for party rocking"