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Me: *crawls in window*
Him: What are you doing?!
Me: You're my boyfriend now?
Him: I'm calling the cops
Me: But you retweeted me??
This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
The best kind of followers are there when you're hilarious, stay when you're boring & pretend they don't remember that week you melted down.
If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
Every time a person believes in astrology, a Scientist dies.
Dudes with ponytails...who hurt you?
I like dudes that have ambition and power. Like Presidents and Wizards and stuff.
I built a bed because you know field of dreams.
Me: Baby, you're so amazing, I can't wait to put you in my mouth
Boyfriend: Why are you talking to me, I'm a casserole.
Also, I'm high.
I just unfollowed someone for tweeting "I eat everything and can't gain weight" because I don't need that kind of bullshit.
I don't need commitment or emotional support from a man. I just need a guy who can make me laugh. And responds to texts in a timely fashion.
Whenever I ask someone if they have any pets, I'm really thinking "say bear...say bear...please please...say bear"
Not RTing someone b/c they're popular is as stupid as not RTing someone b/c they're not. RT b/c you loved the words. Or want to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure I taste like rainbows.
The bravest thing I've ever done. I Am Not Disgusting http://victorianachos.tumblr.com/post/50120828351/i-am-not-disgusting … (Thanks to @mmesurly and her brave heart).
I don't know why this guy in the elevator is getting all weird on me. If he didn't want to be licked, he shouldn't have worn cupcake cologne
Just so u know when I say I want a "bad boy" I mean a dude who grabs my waist & tells me how bad he wants me...not stabs me in a dark alley.
One day I'm going to be way funnier and you guys are going to be like who are you? And I'll be like exactly.
So apparently Twitter is nothing like real life. You can't just kidnap someone and call them your boyfriend.
I just read COOK as COCK...so at least we know if I do ever get married...my priorities will be straight.
Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Don't worry my parents don't think I'm funny either. [tumblr] http://t.co/syNpQvjWYT [sex & dating] http://t.co/JNsYiZQlEe