I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership

My girlfriend thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm fuckin' awesome because I have the bread.

For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants.

When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.

How to be a bouncer:

1) be an asshole.

2) stand near a door.

My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

Fuck 2013 .... I want to go back to 1985 when the music and movies was great and I did not stare at a fucking phone for 12 hours a day.

I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

I know I'm getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

I hate when the cashier ask me " You doing alright today " when I'm buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Don't have your phone number posted on FB if you don't want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

My Girlfriend wanted to watch The Notebook. I didn't not want to watch The Notebook. So we compromised and we watched The Notebook ....

Someone just called me uneducated. What the fuck does that even mean?

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....

Hey Apple, with that 35 billion you made how about adding two more fucking feet to your house charger ....

If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band ....

I have been calling my girlfriend "honey" for 6 years now, because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name.