@sween's (Jason Sweeney) most faved Tweets...
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
"This porridge is too hot!"
"This bed is too soft!"
"This sex is too fast!"
Goldilocks.
Worst. Date. Ever.
"This bed is too soft!"
"This sex is too fast!"
Goldilocks.
Worst. Date. Ever.
For the record, many countries spell certain English words differently. For example, we spell "health care" as "a basic human right".
My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
Low-pressure showers are like bad sex. It's fine. You get used to it. And then one day you experience the alternative and OH! OH OH! OH GOD!
Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
There's a thin line between wanting a child and wanting a vasectomy. That line is at the Disney Store.
Wife just told her parents we don't need any more chocolate. Now changing Facebook relationship status to "It's Complicated".
It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
The only horoscope you will ever need:
Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.
Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.
Every time you get an idea, God tells Jesus, "I came up with that." Then Jesus says, "I know." Then God says, "I know you know."
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