"Fuck all of your cup holders" - Fiji Bottled Water.

Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don't like just in case I turn into The Hulk.

When you love someone but you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes your wife and the one you love becomes your Twitter password.

I named my remote "The Clit", because I can never find that either.

Please only star Tweets if you think they are funny. No sympathy stars allowed. That's how Dane Cook happened.

If I worked at a book store I would refuse to show anyone where the Self Help section is.

"Working out at the gym! :)"

- Every girl on Facebook the day after she changes her status to single.

Gwen Stefani, if you're reading this, thanks for teaching me how to spell Bananas.

Asking the cashier with the fake boobs if they're real after she checked my $50 bills with a counterfeit pen, is not a good idea.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.

My phone does this thing where it automatically hangs up on people that are full of shit.

When a fat couple is spooning, it usually involves ice cream.

If I turned on "Tweet with my location", it would say toilet bowl like 80% of the time.

I just starred 9 Tweets before I realized I was reading my own TL.

I just shaved my pubes and went down 2 pant sizes.

I wish I was an asshole so I could have a girlfriend too.

Remember kids, it's not real love unless you mention their name at therapy.

You guys think you have problems? I have 3 Facebook friends with birthdays today and none of their names rhyme with Fuck Head.

I'm not an orange soda, I just Crush a lot. - Big Pun intended.

My Mr. Potato Head is pissed at me because I'm eating Doritos in front of him.