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There should be a sarcasm font.
If your fastest sperm has an extra chromosome I'd hate to know what the others would have been like.
What a beautiful day, I might venture outside...or I might just stay in and tweet about how good the weather is.
I like my sex how I want my funeral; women crying that I'm in the hole.
Can't wait to get some job interviews. So do you have any special skills? Yes I can make anything you want to say fit within 140 characters.
Finland is so ignored that a Zombie massacre could have occurred 100 years ago and nobody would have a clue.
Some people get retweeted onto my timeline that often, following them would be pointless if not retarded.
I love that look people give you when your phone vibrates and somebody asks "who's it from?", only for you to reply, "just got a follower".
If I don't die in slow motion I am going to be super pissed off.
I think Sherlock Holmes would struggle finding out who's drunk and who's just Australian at this time.
Having insomnia is easy; I can do that shit all day.
Ask me how productive my day was and I'll show you semen stained boxers, 25 tweets and a saliva patch on the sofa.
When I die I want a floral reef on my coffin that says "FAIL".
I'm glad I follow australians and americans because england is ruining my fucking timeline with riot tweets.
If I'm murdered; the police only have to check my twitter account to find motives and a list of suspects.
My hair has gotten so long I have 12 different hairstyles, 9 of them are bad hair days.
Some of you guys are so wise; like the majestic owl soaring across a plain of knowledge overlooking the scavenging idiots of modern society.
"I think EVERYBODYS tweets deserve a million stars" - that stupid teacher who didn't believe in healthy competition.
My granddad believes you only get a certain amount of heartbeats in your life, and that's pretty much his excuse for not doing anything.
Just a guy going through an identity crisis. I got mad dance moves though.
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