Twitter is like a safe haven for insomniacs, addicts, alcoholics and nymphos. I feel like I've met the family I always wanted. I am home.

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

I'm losing a lot of followers recently...

Did you guys not get the memo? I don't have to be funny, I have a vagina.

I'm Female.

Fe=Iron
Male=Man

Therefore, I am Iron Man.

I'm so cool I give head with my shades on.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

I'm not so good with advice...

Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Am I the only one that has to read every tweet on my TL, or feel like I've missed some important life event?

Ok, I may need Twitter rehab.

If Life gives you lemons, something something, commit felonies.

As your cum drips down my leg, I pop a morning after pill to kill the love child that may have been.
Thank you.
#RejectedHallmarkCards

Can someone PLEASE fuck me and/or give me lots of $ and NOT catch feelings for me?Think I'm pretty done with feelings, you all should be too

Valium and I'm gone...

Life is short, so let's hope your dick isn't. ;)

#YouKnowTheSexGood when you walk like a newborn baby giraffe afterwards.

I am Anxiety Girl! Able to jump to the worst conclusion in a single bound!

Have you ever looked at a couple and thought to yourself "That has got to be some terribly ugly sex."?

New rule: If I can't remember saying it, you can't hold it against me.

I want to get to 900 followers by Xmas, so excuse me for a moment.

Cock
Balls
Taint
Jizz
Tits
Pussy
Bacon
Free iPad
Interracial midget porn

Just played "What the fuck does that say?" with the captcha.

Captcha 27
Me 0

Text me, don't call me.
It's a rare occasion where I actually want to hear a human voice...