I was gonna make a sex joke, buttfuck it..

I'm having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it's mostly grapes. Ok, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine for dinner.

OMG I just gained 100 followers by.. Shut the fuck up no one believes you.

"A vodka please!"

"Mam this is McDonalds.."

"Okay...I'll have a super-sized McVodka then!"

I swear if this guy keeps looking at me...keep your boner where I can't see it sicko.

Singing to 99 red balloons like I know all the words..in German..like a boss

I don't care why you're leaving but you'll miss me when you're gone.

When everyone is asleep, I walk around with no pants on.

A girl on my Facebook just used the word "hootenanny" to describe an event..she's 23...This is why I'm on twitter.

Don't need a gun to blow your mind.

WJC gingerbread cookies. This is why I'm better than your girlfriend. #WJC @madelncanada pic.twitter.com/NdwQ0ZQe

I love that I can order pizza naked. Thanks pizza pizza app.

I'm better than your best dreams.

Is ke$ha spelled ke£ha in England?

Awesome dipped in awesome covered in bitch sprinkles. Ya that's me.

Everyone is annoying today. Fuck off.

I'm sorry but these are amazing. I'd pee standing up for this. http://t.co/Nes1Gibm

I was told that wine tastes better when you let it breathe...I couldn't tell if it was breathing so I gave it mouth to mouth.

I need more friends with hot tubs.

Instead of milk with my cereal, I use wine and instead of cereal, I use wine.