Littlest kid goes, "So, what does God brush his teeth with?" Oldest goes, "Chuck Norris." Then, fist bumps me.

This is why you have kids.

When I see a guy in a Mini Cooper I think, "Totally compensating for his large penis."

People who do Tai Chi out in a park are idiots. Why would you publicize your technique like that? Now I know exactly how I will defeat you.

The secret to single parenting is prescription drugs. Anyone who claims differently is high.

Welcome to the family, daughter's new Barbie doll. You'll fit right in, insomuch as you too provide no additional income.

If I could make a bumper sticker for the person in front of me, it would read "I break for things unrelated to the physical world."

Friend sent a text that she just had her baby. Then a few minutes later an aftertext came in... It was totally disgusting.

Drove up coast. Held 5yo in my arms on the beach. Then she reached and tried to touch the moon.

I told her, "Now you're just being cliche."

Listen close, I'm a lipstick lesbian trapped in a man's body, wrapped in bacon and drizzled with syrup. Don't complicate it.

Live report coming in right now. My sources confirm that, yes yes, it appears everyone who was an asshole in '09 is still an asshole in '10.

I don't pop pills. It's vulgar to do that. I place them gently in my mouth, like a celebration of the Eucharist.

There's a great aquarium between Los Angeles and Japan.

It's not really a great tool for diction, is it? It should be called Definitionary.

So, you're telling me you've NEVER masturbated into a friend's ice tray at a dinner party.

My 25 year study will come to an end this week and my findings will show conclusively that the smaller a woman's ass the more crazy she is.

You show me a rodeo clown and I'll show you a guy with a 9 inch scar on his ass who has to blow a bearded lady just to get a bathroom key.

Sometimes I spin around six times and sprint through my house bouncing off walls. Then breathlessly whisper, "Mayans didn't predict that."

My dental hygenist and I have a thing. She tells me I'm dirty and then makes me lick her gloved fingers. What a mynx.

Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.

When a Prius stops next to me at a stoplight now I look at the driver, wipe my forehead and go, "Whew!"

They love that.