Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

Whenever a friend asks me to read their poetry, literacy becomes my greatest regret.

All my stripper fantasies start with a really sexy lady giving me my money back.

"well, that was stupid."-all of us, two years from now.

Alcohol really turns up the volume on my quiet desperation.

'Atheists, Engineers, and Vegans '-People who won't shut up about it.

Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.

I'm against racial profiling in general, but people with capes and Romanian accents usually turn out to be vampires.

Leaving typos in my tweets for the same reason Neil Young leaves mistakes on his recordings; he's not a very good guitarist.

"Better luck next time."-Slogan on AA's official souvenir shot glass.

Sometimes I go to movies I don't want to see just to feel what it's like to have a girlfriend.

I always keep a stack of tiny post-it notes that say 'Goodbye Cruel World' in my car so if I run over a squirrel nobody can pin it on me.

I think a girl might like me. Do you guys know where I can get hobbies, interests, a personality, and soap by Friday?

If you're going to come into MY country, you'd better learn MY language. And by country I mean bedroom and by language I mean love.

Not commenting on a co-worker's hairstyle change is my professional way of telling her I hate her.

Told city hall to "leave my body writhing in the noose of your faceless bureaucracy" & they were all "Just pay your parking ticket sir."

It's so embarrassing to go to the store and not buy tampons because then the cashier knows I don't have a girlfriend.

The A on my chest stands for Associates degree.

Remember when we applied our creativity towards lasting, tangible works? Good times.

"Looks like it just RAINED AWESOME!"- What I'm going to say if it ever rains inflatable sharks.