I think I am pretty good at telling pregnant ladies apart from ones who just have a pot belly. I will NEVER test this theory.

I just had lunch. Or what someone from another country would call "enough food for three people"

The only thing I had in common with the last girl I dated was desperation

I sing when I drive. Working on a new song called "green means go mother fuckers!"

If you're not going to have an unhealthy obsession with me than don't bother

Your poorly written erotica turns me on. Mostly because if you are that stupid then I have a chance with you.

I absolutely will get a tattoo of the funniest thing that you tweet at me. NOT JOKING! Just drunk enough and near my fav tattoo shop!

It takes SO MUCH of my energy pretending that I'm not an idiot

You will never believe this but last night a girl WILLINGLY kissed me ON THE LIPS! Not sure what the next step is, never got this far before

No one will ever know my pain of being a white boy who can dance his ass off, but never gets asked

It's not ONE OR THE OTHER with women. Skinny, fat, medium, tall, short, brunette, blonde, young, old. I'll take them all as equals

Thank you, Catholics, for teaching your daughters how naughty sex is. I have no doubt that's why they love it so much when they grow up.

I never enlarge an avi right away so the romance lasts longer

Just saw stars after vigorously applying deodorant, if you were wondering how in shape I am.

Were you even trying in that last tweet? *stars anyway*

Live tweeting my doctor's appointment. My doctor's finger in my butt hole right..........now.

A dime? I'm picking that up! Ten pennies? Go fuck yourself.

Just heard the Muzak version of Phil Collins' "One More Night" and now my life feels oddly complete

I learned a valuable lesson. If you lower your standards, skanks are available by the boat load. I am very sorry to have learned this lesson

I love my phone. No, I mean I LITERALLY love it. I think it's pregnant.