If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

I just drank from the water fountain at Walmart and six kids and a carton of marlboros fell out of my vagina.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt someone who's already dead inside.

When you guys tweet about stalkers I feel like I'm right there with you... Smelling your hair.

Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.

If he has a small penis, he's just not that into you.

Her: "Want to see a picture of my baby?" Me: "Does it look like a baby?" Her: "Yes..." Me: "Seen it"

Grocery shopping with 2 kids is like grocery shopping with 5 drunks.

My Mexican housekeeper thinks I'm a racist but I just think she has a tortillia chip on her shoulder.

Do they make emotional Viagra? Trying to get my hopes up.

I wish there were more i's in narcissist.

Before you get your hopes up I should probably mention that my Daddy loved me.

I walked in on my husband watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don’t know who was more embarrassed.

It's not you. It's 2 other guys.

When I see a homeless guy holding out a cup I like to jog by, grab it, pour it over my head, then high five him and jog away.

Saw an idiot get punched in the face today. Thought of you.

I don't know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

I use the self checkout aisles because I like to whisper "I own you now" everytime I scan something.

Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip but then I just landed in more awesome.