I thought my avi made it obvious, but just because my name is Jamie does not mean I'm a girl. Please stop with the dick pics. Also, trim.

You're happy for someone who isn't you? How does that even work?

Caring about people is the worst. AIDS is a close second.

These yoga pants feel like I won't be paying for anything today

People who have NFL toasters are always surprised when their toast pops up and I carve the team logo into their face with a switchblade

The way to a man's heart is through his butthole. Really. It's a new procedure. No, YOU'RE a bad cardiologist

"Consider yourself Retarted!"

-Me remaking the tart I messed up earlier.

My favorite kind of spree starts with an "m" & ends with "urder."

I look at my Josh Duhamel poster and whisper "Bring the rain." everytime I RT one of your tweets.

When blind people break up, do they say "I think we should hear other people"?

I blow kisses and wave like a pageant queen as I walk through the house, so yeah, I'm pretty annoying all the time.

My breathalyser test is subtracting 18 from 2012.

I liked you a lot more before I liked you.

I saw an old lady get hit by a car today and it reminded me that I need to get my brakes fixed.

I shaved my legs in high school, so yeah, my grandpa tried to kill me with his bare hands like he did a nazi once.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces "kitty" as "titty." Thanksgiving was awesome. My sister hates me.

My wife felt me because I'm dyslexic

They say that eyes are the "windows to the soul" which explains my hatred of blind people.

Distance lets me see you naked.

I'm sorry I haven't been retweeting a lot lately. I've just been really funny.