Getting stood up for a date with a girl I met on Twitter isn't so bad. I'm not really "out of prison" yet anyway.

If talking like a disgusting whore to get attention from men is right, this is the only time I'll admit that I want to be wrong.

389 followers? So close to relevance. God I haven't wanted anything this bad since back when I was trolling AOL trying to lose my virginity

I'm living where the streets have no names. Seriously, where the fuck do I turn?

Pro Tip: after eating a bucket of KFC you can then use the empty container as a nifty helmet to protect you from ever being loved by anyone.

How to torture your friends:
1) Steal friend's phone
2) Change your name in his address book to "Cow"
3) Start mooing. http://t.co/ZS48Tva5

None of you have made a difference in my life.

1. Be a talentless whore.
2. ???
3. Get super rich.
Tell us how you did it, Kim Kardashian!!

I didn't steal your tweet. I saw the tweet & I liked it so I decided it was mine just like Columbus or the Pilgrims would've done.

Sext - Remember that time you slept with my friend and I said I didn't care? I paused my video game for a few seconds and listened.

If I could be anyone, alive or dead, I'd be me alive making you dead.

Home. Tired. Officially hitched. http://t.co/93HO9nwB

Sorry, I'm really bad with names when I don't care.

I KNOW YOU'RE YELLING THIS TWEET IN YOUR HEAD

"Oh thank God, Twitter is down!" - Employers

I think I'm finally making a name for myself on twitter. I just didn't know it would be cunt.

When I'm not keeping my clothes in wardrobes and drawers I like to store them on my body

I laugh the hardest at inspirational tweets.

We all have our ups and downs. For those lucky enough to read this, be thankful I'm not driving and you're not in the fucking trunk

Look, I was lonely. You love peanut butter. It was a win-win. Stop giving me that look, Baxter, you knew what this was.