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I've never flirted with disaster but I've dated my fair share of total train wrecks.
"There is no spoon" ~ married couples in bed
FYI, I DID find love at the bottom of an ice cream container once.
Actually it was just a dead mouse. But it was SUPER cute!
I can tell if someone's uncomfortable just by staring at them for 3 hours.
I don't have tinted windows because I don't care if the other drivers can see me brushing my teeth.
You can tell a woman's level of crazy by how quickly she makes the jump from "I love action movies" to "This Is 40 is playing tonight"
Don't think of it as harassment, think of it as a highfive to the ass.
All knives are throwing knives when you chuck them at people.
Curiosity killed my dog too.
All I want, is for someone to love me for who I manipulate them into thinking I am.
Everyone has that "one that got away". Except me because I only date guys that leave their drinks unattended.
When I eat Rice Krispies I like to pretend the snap crackle pop is a gang war and my mouth is justice.
When I die I want people to celebrate the life I led.
By pointing out each other's faults and basically being huge D-Bags.
Job hunting is easy. So far I've snagged 2 hiring managers and made this cool Davey Crocket hat out of secretary pelt.
I'd like to hand out water during marathons. Except the cups would be filled with confetti & I'd be all "OMG YOU WON!!!" with every runner.
Hey I just learned how to Dougie!
Nobody in this operating room believes I'm a doctor.
Hahaha Nice try candy calories, but my soul is WAY emptier.
My neighbour's kid said my dancing is "lame" so I broke her my little pony's leg then shot it in the head to illustrate what lame really is.