SamGrittner

@SamGrittner

Sam Grittner

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Favs Rec'd 134,859
Awards Rec'd 170
Favstar Lists In 445
Following 659
Followers 18,369
I tell jokes into voice amplifiers and enjoy other non-robots. I find the best glue to sniff is any. Writer. Comedian. Actor. Dude. www.Witstream.com
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@SamGrittner’s (Sam Grittner) best tweets
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Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
What's the difference between Osama Bin Laden and my watch? Not only does my watch have a face, it's water-resistant.
Just recorded a fax machine eating an AOL disc. YOUR MOVE SKRILLEX.
I'm 1000% sure the only dog that deserved the "Michael Vick treatment" was that rude, dickhead that openly mocked me during 'Duck Hunt.'
Fake tits make you beautiful like camouflage makes you invisible.
When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
Let's not forget to thank to the real heroes of 2011: The people who changed their avatar for a couple days for a thing. #Gamechangers
Linens and Things is probably better than my original name idea: Pillowcases and Shit.
I don't know if Facebook can help but they obviously need a lot of organ donations in North Carolina what with all those missing hearts.
Is Pat Sajak going to be charged with a DUI? He was behind a wheel the entire time, for God's sake.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.