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Behind every great woman is another great woman. They're everywhere.
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*loses touch with reality*
*awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
R: "So... how are things?"
ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."
Wait wait wait..... if there are gay characters in "Star Wars" what's next? Swords made out of lasers? Robots that talk? Outer space?
"The end." - Quentin Tarantino starting a bedtime story
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
Ted Cruz is the physical manifestation of hearing your parents having sex.
ISIS is so stupid. Don't they realize Santa is watching them? Lots of coal for those dummies.
I have butterflies in my stomach. Why did I eat so many butterflies? @TonightonGIRLS IG: samgrittner Snapchat: samgrittner
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