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  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.

    • 7,670
    • FAVS
    thebonafideGADunk_Camclairesambzaimhdlucidlailarinasufri_troyjohnsonarriannemeasom
    • 4,632
    • RETWEETS
    mgamble_SofiaGyllvikcjdrums18danyuhhhhextrairdinaryrenohjmdrinasufriAdalizxo
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
    30s: What the dick happened where is time going
    40s: FUCK
    50s: Fuck it
    60s: Neat my skin's translucent

    • 6,511
    • FAVS
    meganshpettitVerrMonttalisonstavolaTheSolClarkelphillips2002_troyjohnsonMeowlorrrrrysenderud
    • 3,070
    • RETWEETS
    ShadesofPerfscottckendallMolusenJamir_tatersaladYo_Simmity_SammwhitticomxJihaadHeyItsZiana
    UNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *puts out arm*
    *falcon lands on it, perfectly*
    "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
    *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

    • 6,186
    • FAVS
    DavidFogleAndrewJ01286852mc_quirkemilie_lynchinesechennethJeffGoldblumIIIPhildo41Jimye_West
    • 2,524
    • RETWEETS
    Dredawgg69truly_biasedamandavwelchPhilip_Coates__KanyeWesticles34n77nuddlezzzDizzyMissKathy
    WhatevaConcEenfidelewfeez
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

    • 5,610
    • FAVS
    samantha_faivoroknirihsmastawingmank4kelssWear_a_helmetBostonRobertsmegapinkmermaidlphillips2002
    • 2,779
    • RETWEETS
    brzntPsychoticartsheythisisbrianmastawingmanlilbeccanatorberriesnbearsBostonRobertsmegapinkmermaid
    LeahKnauerDonnie_FairburnCVTBabyPeachCoffinLostCatDogDryDickRandopattymoErik_AllenTrueQuixoteCorbblah__________SCbchbumjonnysunUNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

    • 4,452
    • FAVS
    _troyjohnsonPiecezillaEnriquetequeteBeardDataalohaitsmaxeyjMrMaxR_marquissimmons_jordyndavis
    • 2,599
    • RETWEETS
    sreychhlatEvelyn__RiosjoaquinisabeaststrongunderbiteMiller2334JustNickColeBshemonia10CMHazel
    SteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first

    • 3,650
    • FAVS
    _troyjohnsonmrsjohngoodmanl0lohboatierraAmelineRslcommonsauceLindzetaHayleyHhickey
    • 2,877
    • RETWEETS
    AlabamaArcherboatierraAmelineRslWolfchesterrLoganMaren_rains_8do_thisgamer_hooj_shair
    Karate_Horse
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
    ME: "Because you know I love riddles."

    • 3,982
    • FAVS
    TwatterOtterhaileygrimeDanMarshallacal50NotRiscohlolacll6Ploverchickemmychase
    • 1,984
    • RETWEETS
    NotRiscohkDenise__TVeselinovaIanGornerKate_ChaseBrimshackAbyssalTrekkerSamTheHam95
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

    • 2,840
    • FAVS
    TomHanksIsHotetoilee8smelbzvckindron_troyjohnsononume_SeanSzitasdrunkwhitebae
    • 2,466
    • RETWEETS
    SV_EazyKendraDae_troyjohnsononume_Yo_Simmity_Samfoxrock66willlane01huskerjahns
    bloptBenesh_curlycomedyErik_AllenThisAlexSteinKKAlThanirobdelaney
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

    • 3,511
    • FAVS
    jensen_coTheTerrorTapearikad716ABisqueToDieForzoomymorgStreudelDuderachelleap52emmmwhatchasay
    • 1,621
    • RETWEETS
    flaveydavieNuttysmytkeeshanmoodleytrogdor0086koogleplusJulia_SausTrevorAschmieshimynameiswinry
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *loses touch with reality*
    *awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
    R: "So... how are things?"
    ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."

    • 3,244
    • FAVS
    williamday567colettetaytTomHanksIsHotsmelbz_troyjohnsonJayZ3uZSenatorT__onume_
    • 1,416
    • RETWEETS
    _troyjohnsonSenatorT__onume_PsychoticartsTheCiaraQuinlanLivingLifeAsLujunomaerzBurchfieldLaura
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
    "Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
    "THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."

    • 2,717
    • FAVS
    LizAnneTweetsshanny_obriAmberleeJaidmncorbisiero_troyjohnsonkyrasachau203PomegranatesSendzer
    • 1,297
    • RETWEETS
    EstherCWSendzerScrewYouHomoBrockJones95jamben82LilianaXOinaprettypicklekrishna_van
    ibid78
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else

    • 2,472
    • FAVS
    _troyjohnsononume_drunkwhitebae666hello666BlackwatchPlaidSDPlissken1robbiegowdyprettysadmostly
    • 1,456
    • RETWEETS
    onume_bullitt6454ITuoheyLMills_KaitlinM_KatsClancy_Pruamydillonewfeez
    redherringbear
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *goes to housewarming party*
    *turns up thermostat*
    *leaves*

    • 2,546
    • FAVS
    dopkenzonume_drunkwhitebaesebwittmannKevinBuffalo666hello666mal_is_your_palTheDrDG2
    • 1,111
    • RETWEETS
    onume_Yo_Simmity_SambridonnellyyunpopularthinksBaileyMarcelloHBOMB67DBwiddaDBshanelleypema
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.

    • 1,835
    • FAVS
    meekrabscloudypianosPaulyMoshSlyPinkspyMrJack5150ExitThaWarriorforrest_delkyle_thatisall
    • 1,744
    • RETWEETS
    ExitThaWarriorWTFisSwaggerAxholetheGreatPalidoConPecasdreamthievinAndrewBrauerDw_ghtHunsuckr
    hamspamtymaamOhNoSheTwitntErik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

    • 2,317
    • FAVS
    logan_bartschJsted62themiltronabernackybrieowniBuiltTheSkygetthehumansotterwrangler
    • 955
    • RETWEETS
    ModerateBenderJsted62themiltronAlexioDelGobboiBuiltTheSkyprobablyadogleynfoxAnthonyVrot
    OldUncleDaveOadamrenschrobfeeUNTRESORcravenheart______
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call

    • 1,861
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinthetokengurlwenramenKayShaffer95notjvdechris_montoyaSmuggleabledozingdodo
    • 1,217
    • RETWEETS
    youngmeerimchris_montoyazachv86SpencerTuckersandwichJOYsickxfme__shaunajanae27Sandra_Di_
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Any pizza is personal if it killed your father

    • 2,078
    • FAVS
    JustUnstableMeJaredGodwin_jennjennSowko16sporknporkcandidartichokelauracaney_alvaradoB94
    • 966
    • RETWEETS
    candidartichokeLadyKiraMusickdub72ArtfulDetectiveKelciumJediMasterJamshaleyhastieConnor3nnis
    murrman5BigE_Smooth______Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "What is this?"
    "That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
    "Tear down the sky."
    "Sir, you can't possib-
    *gun clicks*
    "Tear. It. Down."

    • 1,508
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackchris_montoyaiwearaonesiefarwyndbulls_chargerdeutschheuteDahFahQusaystinemartinsen
    • 1,520
    • RETWEETS
    strunkmfDahFahQusayKevinWolfykr0plingandreavirtaviktoriaawIsabelkrohnLostNordlending
    Eenfidelblopt
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920

    • 1,708
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesiejazmasta_rashiduhdingoden1comedianlukediesel_dan_BlindChowLady_Isabelle1
    • 1,100
    • RETWEETS
    Dusty_KnackersAndrewBrauer_rashiduhmelisa_sofinotsleeepingKevinWolfyrileysdanielNamelocleumas
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.

    • 1,807
    • FAVS
    Thecodfather209KnowAyeDearImTheOnlyDoctorkardyologypannapextondangussetJeanWindowsAneelalalaa
    • 925
    • RETWEETS
    NintendoUser64Thecodfather209CorbettDonnaRoydsterdoystercumbrae911ImTheOnlyDoctorMattIsTiredpingbarglefarp
    Erik_AllenVenusRockHobbit__
@SamGrittner

@SamGrittner

Lead Writer, http://www.InternetActionForce.com @InternetAction @TonightonGIRLS Instagram: samgrittner

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