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GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else
*goes to housewarming party*
*turns up thermostat*
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
"PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
"Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
"THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
"Tear. It. Down."
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*
Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor
I am the boat, I am the captain. *** http://Witstream.com *** @TonightonGIRLS https://medium.com/@samgrittner http://www.samgrittner.com/category/jokeoftheday/