@SamGrittner's (Sam Grittner) most faved Tweets...
When life gives you melons you probably have dyslexia.
...I just made myself laugh out loud (not bragging, just typing)
...I just made myself laugh out loud (not bragging, just typing)
If you're a drug mule, simplify your life. Buy a fanny-pack. No one ever talks to a person with a fanny-pack. Not even border guards.
I thought I bought the Anarchist's cookbook but it turns out I bought the Antichrist's cookbook. These cookies are going to be good as hell.
My body gets plenty of exercise: I jog my memory, run my mouth, walk the line, and I'm constantly cycling through joy and delirium.
Twitter tells you the exact time I tweet. Perfect alibi. "See Officer! I couldn't have taken someone else's life if I don't have one."
Just sitting here in my cashmere unitard, giving fruits new names... laughing.. thinking about how my life used to be in shambles.
Apparently there's such thing as too much masturbation. Semen didn't come out, a crumpled piece of paper did. I opened it. It reads: I.O.U.
The punctuation wasn't filled out properly on my medical forms so it looks like I'm getting a semi-colonoscopy. It's a comma mistake.
I wish life was like my Algebra 2 math book... at least then I would have the answers to the odd questions.
Someday we'll have a Native American on the Supreme Court. I hope they replace John Roberts and become Chief Justice.
I made a joke tonight about all the silverware that was lost in 9/11 and a guy shouted out: "Too Spoon!"
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