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  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Gift @SamGrittner Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 19k
    • LIKES
    matilden1Amanda_1limatarastilwell6kimandlaurabbiggit23weslapepoKerryMonnellyRetroRadNat
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    marshal_salley9this_is_jessiepermaclericRetroRadNatalien_sushiA_a_ron58shutthemessupolverawill
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Behind every great woman is another great woman. They're everywhere.

    • 13k
    • LIKES
    PaulePLNtaormina225AmosdeguzmanAdrianSurnamenona_hooperGamingaway02autumnmccabexoDicksonkufre
    • 9,135
    • RETWEETS
    _musangiArtsinKemiriingumrembosafiShixpuppeKarolyn_MKScarletNdutaKahawaAddict
    JasonBanksComicOhNoSheTwitnt
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *puts out arm*
    *falcon lands on it, perfectly*
    "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
    *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

    • 13k
    • LIKES
    PHibberdloganramrlynwjohnlawlor8GoverGovertrozmanibhullar25fndtegryyrybnyaminakbaba
    • 5,693
    • RETWEETS
    rubenluthmanSJStockingsDanielssonClaraMsMorticiaFrumpLeboza33EthnicmuttBestFcknTweetsthedeathecchi
    huntigulaibid78DanMentosWhatevaConcEenfidelewfeez
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

    • 10k
    • LIKES
    CompucellCPCBigmikej6942071ssherwoodxKym272Chris_QuiasuamygirlpinkchrisvnicholsonYourFriendJMS
    • 4,841
    • RETWEETS
    queefersuthFreakyFrog44MelissaSantellaMikeyLiddickbigD605kidcollins16Shannon_Taklathemajesticfish
    LeahKnauerDonnie_FairburnCVTBabyPeachCoffinLostCatDogDryDickRando__pattymoErik_AllenTrueQuixoteCorbblah__________SCbchbumjonnysunUNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.

    • 8,780
    • LIKES
    radiofutrMaryMagdalene2ChiiraAdrianSurnameivovelipaolacafarella1HannaKassfeldtJawadZanganeh
    • 5,394
    • RETWEETS
    ckA_maraTusk8rmanAttilla_IVSiriZetuqkatastrofeetstakri_giAdrianSurnameMsMorticiaFrump
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.

    • 8,459
    • LIKES
    tonymar99758090RachelPascheRiggidyRatfrikkinniallemmahennteedwManda_like_wineRyanFortcamp
    • 5,031
    • RETWEETS
    chiaforrealKamArendainIrish413brandydelacruzmakhadelikHappyGoLikhiMzMerlzNova_Summer
    SteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.

    • 8,533
    • LIKES
    unicornologyTigersEatSheepthestevericheyMagdaHarinamtrahjSecretAgentHulkArbokChoynephsies
    • 4,039
    • RETWEETS
    DiscordianKittyDawn2pointohsharonwiteAyeshaVRyukishingaiknobbly_studioinsanedubeymistermccall
    TimHaines
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
    ME: "Because you know I love riddles."

    • 7,099
    • LIKES
    MollyDaBaumgfyss_DanielKoch7vkarlicilluminati_kidhangingbyparkerbeach14a_kristine_p
    • 3,530
    • RETWEETS
    udaysahadevanTazAli_FayeOakeyy777EASTmeganeveburgoynEriTgwodegardasarahhferg
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
    30s: What the dick happened where is time going
    40s: FUCK
    50s: Fuck it
    60s: Neat my skin's translucent

    • 6,539
    • LIKES
    dylannaleenate_senpaiknolletteelizabeth_felsJasonBanksComicjensoosarjasonseeksUnderwaterCop
    • 3,080
    • RETWEETS
    Jay1972JayRWT_13Nini9566t_esraelSamJurgenaariscottonelaptowinloather
    UNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

    • 6,020
    • LIKES
    IsaacTrailEpagrypnisidiastrofellaJosi_kamiotiCarmenDragunthe_webslyngerjmariscalvegaVerMints
    • 3,478
    • RETWEETS
    diastrofellaLymeandCoconutthe_webslyngerJay1972JayLeboza33OMcGuireTSwisha12kenji_matsuoka
    Michael_ErhartSteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first

    • 5,205
    • LIKES
    meredithzola__MadiOchareonJasonBanksComicMentalErroristMsrachelmzcpalmerjones73LousyBastard70Ceeks
    • 3,827
    • RETWEETS
    JajalepenoLousyBastardDaveCountystephsredhairfalhabeebmytextlifeL_penelopeJKraftyKirsten
    Karate_Horse
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "The end." - Quentin Tarantino starting a bedtime story

    • 5,546
    • LIKES
    yanak_jJingParelgaby_flwrsfreyazhou1217melkraatzkichara1a1aaaAldereteMaryFilhoFaustino3f
    • 3,021
    • RETWEETS
    NicoleyoSimpsonGeorgeSCanadacalsteph5csasieGlitteroholicJillianAshworthjcascio98ickobel
    tastefactory
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

    • 5,461
    • LIKES
    LaurenDodd_Jay1972JayNacirema7jdittrichGnate_senpaisleepisoversivle28maaddiejones
    • 2,750
    • RETWEETS
    madd2radOwens_JuninhoCnasty55maaddiejonesthegrandmanorKevySlateskarinmariesTrakoGamer
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *loses touch with reality*
    *awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
    R: "So... how are things?"
    ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."

    • 5,532
    • LIKES
    scheemaslisbona62KellyInStarsJay1972Jayguzel____sozlerPepyyelidiobradley1adisnackleberry
    • 2,428
    • RETWEETS
    Jay1972JayJsalaheddineIamKabibirefuse235reiIynnKingofHotlandkindabugginMarsKaBanda
    abbycohenwl
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Wait wait wait..... if there are gay characters in "Star Wars" what's next? Swords made out of lasers? Robots that talk? Outer space?

    • 4,515
    • LIKES
    kpridmore01AldereteMarylaurenmpatHeyKittyComicGalenMarekOGchillywaterswakawalagrahamstarr
    • 2,473
    • RETWEETS
    GalenMarekOGbianca_psdsoarlilmissmousereid_arenaTheRealGavinLee__emilyfayeoakleyariscott
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.

    • 3,623
    • LIKES
    WelcomeHalalSusy1984Susyzak8047899HHR19emersondeklotzurjashahhseedis38EMT_Junior
    • 3,092
    • RETWEETS
    macaylanesbittMrKarkov420OhHeyLeonDanaBaxendalePeter_Bolandjbjamesbeckwithkennedydtaalex_theokay
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

    • 3,406
    • LIKES
    AnAppleforMomchiaroveneziaSamPsychMedspaigefigiHilaryVerversColton_RSmithMathewsAllysonDVLope
    • 2,533
    • RETWEETS
    paigefigiHilaryVerversmary_sassenachLetMeStartjessssharamblinmaSusieHomeFakerIAM568
    Cpin42
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

    • 3,116
    • LIKES
    RockoDaSilvaalicaurusrexsmhildebrandTomRossbachfloskiiValucksmokintofubugwinged
    • 2,596
    • RETWEETS
    Tastaturensohntacocitronbgabeduranmama_tunaValucksmokintofuyelyahxoliving_marble
    ownedonlineBenesh_curlycomedyErik_AllenThisAlexSteinKKAlThanirobdelaney
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Ted Cruz is the physical manifestation of hearing your parents having sex.

    • 3,824
    • LIKES
    mystericjhuttopianRustyTrouserRIANdiedHeyItsBrookiityler_0813BreannaK_8Anorexican
    • 1,750
    • RETWEETS
    MShultz417pbrick304aberathyMuppetHanshjhenriksonLucasIannitelliPeterSosulskithedamonsmith
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    ISIS is so stupid. Don't they realize Santa is watching them? Lots of coal for those dummies.

    • 3,420
    • LIKES
    likomdalexisesm3__kunal_4_uIngr1d88__JordynCookdolorescastil__JasonBanksComicEcko_Daph
    • 1,734
    • RETWEETS
    julicakes1miscellmaniacalanhoundbaby_mow_mowbeckera11AdamHenleinspeakermyratheianwilkes
@SamGrittner

@SamGrittner

I have butterflies in my stomach. Why did I eat so many butterflies? @TonightonGIRLS IG: samgrittner Snapchat: samgrittner

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