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  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.

    • 8,442
    • FAVS
    sarah_belskypariah325ShaunaRyannemandiirenea2Dpimpalli__hoffCasteelAnnaeagle_jordan
    • 5,020
    • RETWEETS
    2Dpimpcaseylorraineekelpsykarmas_a_snitchAmeliaMorris94abby5371nyrefemirutogetItGotIt411
    SteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *puts out arm*
    *falcon lands on it, perfectly*
    "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
    *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

    • 8,892
    • FAVS
    ThaglofEmilyMcKienick_browne4ellliebellliejlwilson307Jennimom26ClarksummaahallDecentGatsby
    • 3,743
    • RETWEETS
    lizarddavisGustavAronssonnJohnnyStaugsbradcesanekThestreet_15hilarebeljillianmccammonfemmestorm
    ibid78DanMentosWhatevaConcEenfidelewfeez
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
    30s: What the dick happened where is time going
    40s: FUCK
    50s: Fuck it
    60s: Neat my skin's translucent

    • 6,528
    • FAVS
    CoreyLaurinLINZH0EkylesbehonestRealPrincessKimMummaCrazyjakob_hubersugashoesmegsamilllion
    • 3,078
    • RETWEETS
    kylesbehonestBrady8693megsamilllionRealShaughndoub1eA_rongritmoxiekristendrumSunniSonseray
    UNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

    • 6,244
    • FAVS
    EBeautifulPlacesebastschnlaurensdekostersexoskeletonItsMyKitchenshaynasymonsmogalinamichelleyork
    • 3,049
    • RETWEETS
    BayouWhodrfarlsmorbidtouristshaynasymonsDerek__GardnerJimNotCarreyElKingGhidorahBeeCee_
    LeahKnauerDonnie_FairburnCVTBabyPeachCoffinLostCatDogDryDickRandopattymoErik_AllenTrueQuixoteCorbblah__________SCbchbumjonnysunUNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first

    • 5,106
    • FAVS
    irl_frannyglassczostedtheathertheminxmolly_rogersonHallpassCanadasunlitcristinaDragonslayerchMikaylaCoffeyx
    • 3,770
    • RETWEETS
    a_donnanoamsmlItssYaGirlRed_PantojajajaWagalopelurielgeorgetteVixittycrismendicino
    Karate_Horse
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.

    • 5,573
    • FAVS
    lickel_star_boythefable_nick_browne4pcrowlz33laurenftriaSammyJB121estoy_that_guyjlwilson307
    • 2,619
    • RETWEETS
    Efo_EtorThe1TheyCall_ENone_LikeDeezy_Annikus_S_2Chthefable_mclint_TheHomieNathan
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
    ME: "Because you know I love riddles."

    • 5,287
    • FAVS
    aubree_anaWhat_The_Jeffl_i_am_greenePajamaStewGrantlycoreredpawn3ajwest1104thispalegirl4
    • 2,640
    • RETWEETS
    What_The_JefflowbeyonderOfficiallyTTkaylabradshawKarm3nzDelBoy_xenUghNotAgainRascal207
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

    • 5,001
    • FAVS
    Sophay_ReeseSchatzElexactadevamithranheckavaCMSTR9000meganchromikEricaEleanoreshelbistang
    • 2,351
    • RETWEETS
    SchatzElexactadevamithranCMSTR9000rachelshayecasschandlernbeyonds_hallzyabbimusprimeShavonneMonteNJ
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *loses touch with reality*
    *awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
    R: "So... how are things?"
    ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."

    • 5,067
    • FAVS
    robert_mccartyLeah_Freemantorimori13annierockwellSelinaGaiacoliviabrowncoco__obrienannabullen18
    • 2,245
    • RETWEETS
    ray_gun94torimori13annierockwellTBraedsracheldehkordiegggoddard_KahliiSam__McIntyre
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

    • 4,624
    • FAVS
    k_sucramhellomrdoordiemtocarpepanzertronchicagomedicpower_of_timpsJayZLeMEOWisLemmeDoodis
    • 2,683
    • RETWEETS
    hellomrdoorchicagomedicGemmaRaphaelLemmeDoodisjustwritewhatevjen_stellarRichHarris2JEllis1313
    SteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

    • 3,112
    • FAVS
    bloodcrystalirl_frannyglassLissssonFustorThePeoplemeowzxMilase_kstrengjonathanPara_Mystery
    • 2,595
    • RETWEETS
    sdemke5IEatChawalpugilophileJoewagosimiamomo_GenghisKLionsayshellohelena_lisa
    bloptBenesh_curlycomedyErik_AllenThisAlexSteinKKAlThanirobdelaney
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "The end." - Quentin Tarantino starting a bedtime story

    • 2,728
    • FAVS
    KaylaVerlaanerikamiller89Josiah_RDsarah_belskyJonnyBeatz88NomoraHoshizoraTwixxxxxxxxdang_cutie
    • 1,439
    • RETWEETS
    KearnsLeannelove_always2093RobinW1993Isaac_AdrianrevengeofAALaurenEmbersonfilmusic42Ninth_Wonder
    tastefactory
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
    "Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
    "THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."

    • 2,723
    • FAVS
    Chalupacabra__ijoannafall13dwillijenneeeErinRiley16lauraexoxoYoWeezyBillFerris
    • 1,297
    • RETWEETS
    martinezkeiriLaurenKlichmattsurelysomethnsomethnteeshirtdesignzmobileautobody2EstherCWSendzer
    ibid78
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else

    • 2,472
    • FAVS
    vivalacrap_troyjohnsononume_drunkwhitebae666hello666BlackwatchPlaidSDPlissken1robbiegowdy
    • 1,456
    • RETWEETS
    AskkMeAgainnaveeniiumonume_bullitt6454ITuoheyLMills_KaitlinM_KatsClancy_Pru
    redherringbear
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

    • 2,723
    • FAVS
    jag15713Rainbowbuneediemtocarpecelia_melilloDawn_M_lisa_curryjustwritewhatevTerseLilts
    • 1,140
    • RETWEETS
    FortuneMustacheBrittanyFlapjaKSunKiissdRichHarris2zyro333chowdersoopJEllis1313evidentlyblonde
    Mike_BianchiOldUncleDaveOadamrenschrobfeeUNTRESORcravenheart______
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *goes to housewarming party*
    *turns up thermostat*
    *leaves*

    • 2,546
    • FAVS
    dopkenzonume_drunkwhitebaesebwittmannKevinBuffalo666hello666mal_is_your_palTheDrDG2
    • 1,111
    • RETWEETS
    onume_Yo_Simmity_SambridonnellyyunpopularthinksBaileyMarcelloHBOMB67DBwiddaDBshanelleypema
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.

    • 1,835
    • FAVS
    meekrabscloudypianosPaulyMoshSlyPinkspyMrJack5150ExitThaWarriorforrest_delkyle_thatisall
    • 1,744
    • RETWEETS
    ExitThaWarriorWTFisSwaggerAxholetheGreatPalidoConPecasdreamthievinAndrewBrauerDw_ghtHunsuckr
    hamspamtymaamOhNoSheTwitntErik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Any pizza is personal if it killed your father

    • 2,152
    • FAVS
    teaotehuiaAnorexicanSrfbortpleatherface24ryantpowellryanabusaidibbarb74VoddsterMcShmoe
    • 982
    • RETWEETS
    kiley_stokesAlanaMatteiBurningPalmsyChodeCommanderimfrickenjimSidusNovachellearijoanna_berg
    murrman5BigE_Smooth______Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call

    • 1,862
    • FAVS
    SirEvisceratedreamthievinthetokengurlwenramenKayShaffer95notjvdechris_montoyaSmuggleable
    • 1,217
    • RETWEETS
    youngmeerimchris_montoyazachv86SpencerTuckersandwichJOYsickxfme__shaunajanae27Sandra_Di_
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "What is this?"
    "That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
    "Tear down the sky."
    "Sir, you can't possib-
    *gun clicks*
    "Tear. It. Down."

    • 1,510
    • FAVS
    partiallyproSirEvisceratebehindyourbackchris_montoyaiwearaonesiefarwyndbulls_chargerdeutschheute
    • 1,520
    • RETWEETS
    strunkmfDahFahQusaysjmmurdockkr0plingandreavirtaviktoriaawIsabelkrohnLostNordlending
    Eenfidelblopt
@SamGrittner

@SamGrittner

Lead Writer, http://www.InternetActionForce.com @InternetAction @TonightonGIRLS Instagram: samgrittner

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