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I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
"Tear. It. Down."
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor
Do you want to come look at your phone at my place?
Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
If only guns had vaginas, could you imagine the number of restrictions that would be in place?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
"PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
"Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
"THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."
WRITER. STAND-UP. GEISHA. *** http://t.co/x6jHoefGmV *** I write @TonightonGIRLS Short pieces: https://t.co/GeFXobTwTw and a Joke a Day: http://t.co/KdBSQotnPb