Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Do you know what they call April Fool's Day in China? NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SHIT DONE.
Just recorded a fax machine eating an AOL disc. YOUR MOVE SKRILLEX.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor
I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.
"It's a show about nothing." - God explaining life
If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in 'Lincoln' he spent ten months on the side of a penny.
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
Kim Kardashian's pregnancy test just read "$"
When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
Don't let the poor hit you on the way out.
WRITER. STAND-UP. GEISHA. *** http://Witstream.com *** I write @TonightonGIRLS *** I believe the children are our future but no spoilers please