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  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Gift @SamGrittner Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 19k
    • LIKES
    VyTran214oceanmythosiwtbyiplm0live_iamaggietzimfrootwillavametzbowerOhioGanja
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    VyTran214BriannaJazzelyavametzbowerarronHimself69OhioGanjavividlyannieellinanastasjiaseluicide
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Behind every great woman is another great woman. They're everywhere.

    • 13k
    • LIKES
    _CaitlynCullen_TomatoBeardzeldasmonsterpenusmcnuggetRebeccaRush639brendenice_UltimateFrisby1DMAMA232323
    • 9,135
    • RETWEETS
    queerlorigrimesFancyNancyAnnpenusmcnuggetisamarsunshineliznicole__ThatSugarJunkieFlodartInvestigaytion
    JasonBanksComicOhNoSheTwitnt
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *puts out arm*
    *falcon lands on it, perfectly*
    "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
    *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

    • 13k
    • LIKES
    SCD0312JustinPCanningCharlieMaahsEdward_Tomatoryanhreese_93BnIcolejuanitafromspanremsterz
    • 5,693
    • RETWEETS
    SnarkyFiedsjuanitafromspanGuerrillaSmithAndre_AandradecuntyfruitbatsStarKat17BeardfreakSomali_MonaLisa
    huntigulaibid78DanMentosWhatevaConcEenfidelewfeez
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

    • 10k
    • LIKES
    sittingbabyducklennleekeepnichtschubsenSassySparksVoiceofDuum_Blacklabbysleezsistersnancyecabrera
    • 4,841
    • RETWEETS
    Shannon_TaklathemajesticfishRebeccaEarpnickbersinSMeehsmeggerrrrssmicropeenmiddlenameliam
    LeahKnauerDonnie_FairburnCVTBabyPeachCoffinLostCatDogDryDickRando__pattymoErik_AllenTrueQuixoteCorbblah__________SCbchbumjonnysunUNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.

    • 8,772
    • LIKES
    Surek07Jenmcsnott82oldtrawickJordanAllen37navinrjohnson_sashaotanezsteevbuscemiicarless
    • 5,393
    • RETWEETS
    nicospenguinbastarzvevobriebrichettolaurelkathleenKyleKocjancicspoopymaggieDankSinatra4ayylmaoandie
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.

    • 8,459
    • LIKES
    RachelPascheRiggidyRatfrikkinniallemmahennteedwManda_like_wineRyanFortcampEllieMae999
    • 5,031
    • RETWEETS
    chiaforrealKamArendainIrish413brandydelacruzmakhadelikHappyGoLikhiMzMerlzNova_Summer
    SteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.

    • 8,527
    • LIKES
    leen11_itavialeachmanSmexxii_Emopuddin2001MMJALLTHEWAYCpAnsanzMrMooGertariscott
    • 4,038
    • RETWEETS
    liamxtrapgodriyansolihin33Smexxii_EmoNProsperPhotoMMJALLTHEWAYsaki12161114melvinAkaEddiecash_cashing
    TimHaines
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
    ME: "Because you know I love riddles."

    • 6,985
    • LIKES
    hajo85dsimmons1228LowkeyTwitsPaperHegemonySaulKewlHumanPogminajartoissarekins
    • 3,497
    • RETWEETS
    minajartoissarekinsairbagmomentsViewFromWiseatuliumkittycatsqueakCharisma_EffectkrodNM
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
    30s: What the dick happened where is time going
    40s: FUCK
    50s: Fuck it
    60s: Neat my skin's translucent

    • 6,539
    • LIKES
    knolletteelizabeth_felsJasonBanksComicjensoosarjasonseeksUnderwaterCopsanchezjohnnyNini9566
    • 3,080
    • RETWEETS
    RWT_13Nini9566t_esraelSamJurgenaariscottonelaptowinloatheromw2innisfree
    UNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first

    • 5,205
    • LIKES
    JasonBanksComicMentalErroristMsrachelmzcpalmerjones73LousyBastard70CeeksCaptnEliseJermHimselfish
    • 3,827
    • RETWEETS
    JajalepenoLousyBastardDaveCountystephsredhairFalhabeebmytextlifeL_penelopeJKraftyKirsten
    Karate_Horse
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

    • 5,664
    • LIKES
    LeslieCastle452duranbnHa13yLtruly_biasedMahamS12Ifra_JTheNitinDewaniEff__jai
    • 3,308
    • RETWEETS
    lilaznkoigurl22SenoraDelGatotruly_biasedufffyaarmjmarveeRizPlisalsheikhoTheValhalla
    Michael_ErhartSteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "The end." - Quentin Tarantino starting a bedtime story

    • 5,543
    • LIKES
    KCMatt85JonahSaltzmanericallenhatchnavinrjohnson_packxrsharryNicoleyoSimpsonNoraLuvsYadidiyaya107
    • 3,018
    • RETWEETS
    slimundermine88keydnnllyudaysahadevanp_rkerNoraLuvsYaasway93brookemck_Alex_Peltz
    tastefactory
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

    • 5,461
    • LIKES
    sleepisoversivle28maaddiejonesBabyEijiSabinaKidSocialJerkBlogthegrandmanorchersland
    • 2,750
    • RETWEETS
    maaddiejonesthegrandmanorKevySlateskarinmariesTrakoGamerIveGotaPickleZwigZagharini_raghavan
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *loses touch with reality*
    *awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
    R: "So... how are things?"
    ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."

    • 5,472
    • LIKES
    liamxtrapgodlawryburdmvcdonvldpencilcasey_JuliaPettyspokemonpinballDesuDesuBitchesWyanRilson
    • 2,412
    • RETWEETS
    StittsAndAssRoomThoughtsDesuDesuBitchesIWearAKiltWyanRilsonEmilyGarrard3ReluctantHpstrkaylaamartini
    abbycohenwl
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Wait wait wait..... if there are gay characters in "Star Wars" what's next? Swords made out of lasers? Robots that talk? Outer space?

    • 4,515
    • LIKES
    laurenmpatHeyKittyComicGalenMarekOGchillywaterswakawalaGrahamStarrpstamatoccrecords1
    • 2,473
    • RETWEETS
    GalenMarekOGbianca_psdsoarlionheartoliviareid_arenaTheRealGavinLeeemilyfayeoakleyariscott
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.

    • 3,623
    • LIKES
    swati0910622821388JasonBanksComicislandrhythmzpeachpitheartjasminedyer100ErinChackPhixated
    • 3,092
    • RETWEETS
    macaylanesbittMrKarkov420OhHeyLeonDanaBaxendalePeter_Bolandjbjamesbeckwithkennedydtaalex_theokay
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

    • 3,392
    • LIKES
    subparjokesThatDorkyBlondeMomNeedsVodkavexon_jekrhine77skeptic67tenderversedavidlizerbram
    • 2,533
    • RETWEETS
    subparjokesvexon_jekrhine77kathyarosastenderversebutter_dumpsterthethangqoJimmysCominHome
    Cpin42
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

    • 3,116
    • LIKES
    RockoDaSilvaalicaurusrexsmhildebrandTomRossbachfloskiiValucksmokintofubugwinged
    • 2,596
    • RETWEETS
    Tastaturensohntacocitronbgabeduranmama_tunaValucksmokintofuyelyahxoliving_marble
    heyimbadBenesh_curlycomedyErik_AllenThisAlexSteinKKAlThanirobdelaney
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Ted Cruz is the physical manifestation of hearing your parents having sex.

    • 3,650
    • LIKES
    kimlockhartgalimmylee1982spevinkaceyHenry_3kJediGesseritPassionatePlayGhannahspracklinForcierTaylor
    • 1,690
    • RETWEETS
    udaysahadevanitsjellisonscopedbylarryReeceCCCIstrijanValdotxstarkeeperGodsMigraineAtheistRTer
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    ISIS is so stupid. Don't they realize Santa is watching them? Lots of coal for those dummies.

    • 3,420
    • LIKES
    alexisesm3kunal_4_uIngr1d88JordynCookdolorescastilJasonBanksComicEcko_Daphasiroisy
    • 1,734
    • RETWEETS
    julicakes1miscellmaniacalanhoundbaby_mow_mowbeckera11AdamHenleinspeakermyratheianwilkes
@SamGrittner

@SamGrittner

I have butterflies in my stomach. Why did I eat so many butterflies? @TonightonGIRLS IG: samgrittner Snapchat: samgrittner

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