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GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
*loses touch with reality*
*awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
R: "So... how are things?"
ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
"The end." - Quentin Tarantino starting a bedtime story
"PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
"Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
"THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."
If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
*goes to housewarming party*
*turns up thermostat*
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
"Tear. It. Down."
Lead Writer, http://www.InternetActionForce.com @InternetAction @TonightonGIRLS Instagram: samgrittner
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