Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

Do you know what they call April Fool's Day in China? NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SHIT DONE.

Just recorded a fax machine eating an AOL disc. YOUR MOVE SKRILLEX.

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.

Kim Kardashian's pregnancy test just read "$"

Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in 'Lincoln' he spent ten months on the side of a penny.

Don't let the poor hit you on the way out.

Fake tits make you beautiful like camouflage makes you invisible.

When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

I love Jack White but sometimes he looks like an anorexic Juggalo.

"Are you there God? It's me, God 2." - Margaret (blasted on cocaine)

If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.

What's the difference between Osama Bin Laden and my watch? Not only does my watch have a face, it's water-resistant.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said "she just wanted me to be happy," so I'm on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

I want to be the guy who answers the cellphone: "Go."

I'm 1000% sure the only dog that deserved the "Michael Vick treatment" was that rude, dickhead that openly mocked me during 'Duck Hunt.'