Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
"Tear. It. Down."
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.
Do you know what they call April Fool's Day in China? NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SHIT DONE.
Just recorded a fax machine eating an AOL disc. YOUR MOVE SKRILLEX.
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
"It's a show about nothing." - God explaining life
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
WRITER. STAND-UP. GEISHA. *** http://Witstream.com *** I write @TonightonGIRLS *** Pizza! Stuff! and also Things!