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Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
"Tear. It. Down."
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.
Do you know what they call April Fool's Day in China? NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SHIT DONE.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call
Just recorded a fax machine eating an AOL disc. YOUR MOVE SKRILLEX.
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
"It's a show about nothing." - God explaining life
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.
Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in 'Lincoln' he spent ten months on the side of a penny.
WRITER. STAND-UP. GEISHA. *** http://Witstream.com *** I write @TonightonGIRLS *** Trying too hard not to try too hard