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I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
"Tear. It. Down."
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
If only guns had vaginas, could you imagine the number of restrictions that would be in place?
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Do you want to come look at your phone at my place?
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
"PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
"Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
"THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."
Do you know what they call April Fool's Day in China? NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SHIT DONE.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
WRITER. STAND-UP. GEISHA. *** http://t.co/x6jHoefGmV *** I write @TonightonGIRLS Short pieces: https://t.co/GeFXobTwTw and a Joke a Day: http://t.co/KdBSQotnPb