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  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so you should be worried.

    • 6,055
    • FAVS
    andrea__writesbarebonesbelleDisasterChiefTheRoar_24rauwshajairostanleyjrokaytriz__kelcie
    • 3,305
    • RETWEETS
    ThisIsKatGTheRoar_24rauwshaNiklasKronwallglittergilliananaliabeezDianakinSkywlkrSCariker
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
    30s: What the dick happened where is time going
    40s: FUCK
    50s: Fuck it
    60s: Neat my skin's translucent

    • 5,738
    • FAVS
    zalbenistaPlaidHeartChaseWerwinskidreamthievinhar_dic_niccaabbykuhmattmcconnell44marisaur
    • 2,795
    • RETWEETS
    ChaseWerwinskinotstateAndyPitzkasumuni_HawgLegHendrixmstluvstrinketscocottezITuohey
    UNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

    • 5,377
    • FAVS
    And_OlivesbenavidafalapmeldrottinygingergiantCC_CoyneMmmYeahNoariscottbrandnamehero
    • 2,684
    • RETWEETS
    BiffLaTourettetinygingergiantMmmYeahNolife_of_TESSAsolitaryspookTheFauxtagonistKendragardennotadamspeck
    LeahKnauerDonnie_FairburnCVTBabyPeachCoffinLostCatDogDryDickRandopattymoErik_AllenTrueQuixoteCorbblah__________SCbchbumjonnysunUNTRESOR
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first

    • 3,648
    • FAVS
    AmelineRslcommonsauceLindzetaHayleyHhickeyidil_barreMeghanOBZammzzzbellavilla23
    • 2,877
    • RETWEETS
    AmelineRslWolfchesterrLoganMaren_rains_8do_thisgamer_hooj_shairsessiongzjrexgame
    Karate_Horse
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

    • 2,721
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesiezachv86SpencerTuckerjazmastacankylosaurushannahnewport10mikewaldron115ashleyklejna
    • 2,456
    • RETWEETS
    cankylosaurusthomasrummellGraceAngelostrevfoutchBopeep99Ismaeelo_DashdontcallmedawnKaseyGriffin
    bloptBenesh_curlycomedyErik_AllenThisAlexSteinKKAlThanirobdelaney
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

    • 3,188
    • FAVS
    nectarneensSmuggleablePBandZeeLewd_dewdcjhastingsRevParksIhasdeNOMNOMSSarahecBrowning
    • 1,843
    • RETWEETS
    AndrewBrauerFrankDude6mattwithanhLewd_dewdDukyHDRevParksdjro41HannahZorgel
    SteveDutzy
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else

    • 2,448
    • FAVS
    barebonesbelleJeanieMacIsaacbucknathanieljeffkrusnerdreamthievinR0bTalksInMathsraquellillithSwishergirl24
    • 1,446
    • RETWEETS
    kylie2420tash_larsOnMattShineySig_girl_carlykencprinz698nserrinoannlyn1955
    redherringbear
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *goes to housewarming party*
    *turns up thermostat*
    *leaves*

    • 2,531
    • FAVS
    barebonesbellekaleyallanhelenachowscanomollylynaeA_LexplorerbriJeanieMacIsaacbucknathaniel
    • 1,103
    • RETWEETS
    dakotahjonessmollylynaeAlways_BabyGurlpaigeisniceBigMoney_MorrowRobin_RianneLadyMadeline98annlyn1955
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.

    • 1,835
    • FAVS
    vnabeskyle_thatisallAxholetheGreatPalidoConPecasRe_FolkSmuggleablezachv86lessicajee
    • 1,744
    • RETWEETS
    WTFisSwaggerAxholetheGreatPalidoConPecasdreamthievinAndrewBrauerDMightonHunsuckrivana_ost
    hamspamtymaamOhNoSheTwitntErik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
    "Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
    "THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."

    • 2,410
    • FAVS
    Dana_Elyse_annelouchartcamwithnoxwells_wells14Missy_KellkellyvdatriLizzLemonnpachuka1009
    • 1,164
    • RETWEETS
    glitterlove6Frank_DeBlasiokellyvdatri_aimlessYoureAwkwardLizSUhlman11DukyHDhannah_bryant
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

    • 2,272
    • FAVS
    SmuggleablePBandZeecammiesonfloorJonLeeMillervexingpropiwearaonesieSpencerTuckerzackfeld52
    • 937
    • RETWEETS
    DukyHDThe_ONE_AdrianiwearaonesiemuzurBurcurenegadeDAWholeMilkLoverSimenFlomtjukkk
    OldUncleDaveOadamrenschrobfeeUNTRESORcravenheart______
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Imagine liking someone enough to answer their phone call

    • 1,861
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinthetokengurlwenramenKayShaffer95notjvdechris_montoyaSmuggleabledozingdodo
    • 1,217
    • RETWEETS
    halfgirlchris_montoyazachv86SpencerTuckersandwichJOYsickxfmeshaunajanae27Sandra_Di_
    Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Any pizza is personal if it killed your father

    • 2,076
    • FAVS
    Smuggleablezachv86theevilwriterAbadon99CatherineinALElPasofist__asaradicalladyroue
    • 965
    • RETWEETS
    AndrewBraueranim_alcrossinginigoomontoyaihatemegannDaytonWalkerrD34DF0XMelissaDawn1974Sickayduh
    murrman5BigE_Smooth______Erik_Allen
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "What is this?"
    "That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
    "Tear down the sky."
    "Sir, you can't possib-
    *gun clicks*
    "Tear. It. Down."

    • 1,507
    • FAVS
    chris_montoyaiwearaonesiefarwyndbulls_chargerdeutschheuteDahFahQusaystinemartinsenselio24601
    • 1,520
    • RETWEETS
    DahFahQusayKevinWolfykr0plingandreavirtaviktoriaawIsabelkrohnLostNordlendingsuDokubekk
    Eenfidelblopt
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920

    • 1,708
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesiejazmasta_rashiduhdingoden1comedianlukediesel_dan_BlindChowLady_Isabelle1
    • 1,100
    • RETWEETS
    AndrewBrauer_rashiduhmelisa_sofinotsleeepingKevinWolfyrileysdanielNamelocleumasImPABLO_i_WRITE
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

    • 1,907
    • FAVS
    _madlibz_mollylynaeRascalMcCaskillLaurenBHazybucknathanielRyanTee82maddyleetaylorKatieMcCarthy16
    • 891
    • RETWEETS
    mollylynaeRascalMcCaskilldeepamenon_LaurenBHazyRyanTee82Josh_McCammonmolcurlsCrucialDruschel
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    *puts out arm*
    *falcon lands on it, perfectly*
    "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
    *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

    • 2,055
    • FAVS
    towardtheghosthi_fiveghostDystopiennejacobtwopJosharinadanielcubetsRocketsauceJoebehindyourback
    • 711
    • RETWEETS
    towardtheghostJessicaM_927isabelareadsJasonMondalduckyramoneohtinitinygoroks3sm8le
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.

    • 1,807
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinAmandaBoydTV4_the_wynnesaritahelenojalehjalehjalehpapamolly420WillyWumpusvictorialinge
    • 925
    • RETWEETS
    meganfriel1neonjpgtjukkkvictorialingeGalacticToastsHollyMemphisbfinch27pricek0908
    Erik_AllenVenusRockHobbit__
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere

    • 1,581
    • FAVS
    krishna_vanLisaSWilliamscamillenaredopaul_labetetricky7373LittleMissChisithedouchesssettlingslow
    • 1,096
    • RETWEETS
    pogo15krishna_vansallydaviesjnrHan_So_SoloKatieRashjessklingelfusssamacpherragefighthouse
    thepunningman
  • SamGrittner
      Sam Grittner @SamGrittner

    "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!" - South American Guidance Counselor

    • 1,745
    • FAVS
    Caleb_Soongzachv86masonallen7jurapteryx_kylakellercomedianlukeSarahTrimborncchllooee
    • 926
    • RETWEETS
    ginagiordanihimynameiswinryGarriGoHardnjohanessen321ShhhEhhhMeganMeyerrrrwest_coltonvampiirraa
    velvettusk
@SamGrittner

@SamGrittner

I am the boat, I am the captain. *** http://Witstream.com *** @TonightonGIRLS https://medium.com/@samgrittner http://www.samgrittner.com/category/jokeoftheday/