Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.

What's the difference between Osama Bin Laden and my watch? Not only does my watch have a face, it's water-resistant.

Just recorded a fax machine eating an AOL disc. YOUR MOVE SKRILLEX.

I'm 1000% sure the only dog that deserved the "Michael Vick treatment" was that rude, dickhead that openly mocked me during 'Duck Hunt.'

Fake tits make you beautiful like camouflage makes you invisible.

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

Bon Iver's next album is just a bunch of wind chimes crying.

When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.

"I shot someone in the face too." - Dick Cheney

Potheads will smoke it until it's Goneja.

I want to be the guy who answers the cellphone: "Go."

"Me into fire way before you invent it." - Hipster Caveman

Let's not forget to thank to the real heroes of 2011: The people who changed their avatar for a couple days for a thing. #Gamechangers

Linens and Things is probably better than my original name idea: Pillowcases and Shit.

Sarah Palin is God's way of letting us know He doesn't exist.

I don't know if Facebook can help but they obviously need a lot of organ donations in North Carolina what with all those missing hearts.

Is Pat Sajak going to be charged with a DUI? He was behind a wheel the entire time, for God's sake.

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.