Sometimes It actually pains me that I am a muggle. I still believe that my letter got lost in owl transit.

Talking in circles and chasing the tail of a lovedrunk distant memory.

There's a guy at walmart buying a baby gate and condoms... I think you might be a little late with the protection there buddy.

AH!!! THE ULTIMATE TWEET!!! I dedicate this 4,444 tweet to @supercaitlin19 and @nicholemarc because we all love the number 4! POWER OF 4!!!!

If changing 6 poopy diapers and playing Lets Tackle the Baby Sitter and Jump On Her Stomach isnt good birth control then I dont know what is

@gentlemanoutlaw monster and run mix together quite nicely, just FYI.

@gentlemanoutlaw rum any thing equals happy.

There's a porn website bookmarked on my computer at home. I'm very disturbed.

"I think girls watch food network the same reason guys watch porn..."

@gentlemanoutlaw I have no concern because I'm on basically the same schedule and we both seem fine. #nightowls

I'd like to send a special thank you out to all of my close friends for not getting pregnant or engaged right now. #knockonwood #ifeelold

Just ate a thing of butter for a dollar #yourenothardcore #unlessyoulivehardcore

If was summer and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh look," cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever. The end!

I'm always scared a ghost will slam my bathroom door and trap me in there for Bloody Mary to eat.... #irratonaltweet

Isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spot on your neck fantastic?!

@supercaitlinn is snuggling in my butt nook. We're probably too close. #nosuchthing

Today I made a dirty joke that it took a group of boys a minute to get. I feel so accomplished!

Probably one of my favorite quotes. http://t.co/xnNVtYuP

"Tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck."

Dear Molly, I will be watching over your Fred just as you have been watching over my Harry. Sincerely, Lily.