Trident has nothing on the original flavor-changing gum from gumball machines. From Cherry to cardboard in 20 seconds!

Netflix is really awesome when someone else is paying for it.

I'm pretty divided on the issue of bipartisanship.

@robfee the deer antlers are 100% natural!*

* made from 90% deer hooves.

A girl I was seeing kept claiming that she wasn't just a piece of meat, so I fed her to my lion.

He's always preferred soul food.

HPV <3!
- inappropriate abbreviations for "Happy Valentine's Day"

I bet people who play tennis are super quiet during sex.

Always sensitive but never censored, always self-confident but never self-centered.

Sometimes the most intelligent thing you can say is nothing.

@emcognito nope. Bears.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm really dishonest.

I'm totally against bullying. Except towards boogers. I'm always picking on them or flicking them off.

Rolling up the sheets, doing laundry, sippin' on ramen juice. Got my mind on my homework and my homework on my mind.

Hey asshole, get your shit together.

Really emoji? No black guy? Fuck you too.

There's nobody I want to talk to less than all of the active people on my Facebook chat.

My friends always seem compelled to tell me about their experiences with other black people.

I'm going to buy a brand new BMW M5, but with cloth seats (cuz it's a recession).

It's hard to paint a picture of time going by.

I retain followers the same way drunks do water.