The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.

"Do what you love & the money will follow."

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait...

Yeah, I really don't think this whole "responsible adult" thing is gonna work out.

Even if it hurts like hell, I'd rather hear the truth than be smothered by silence and lies.

I wish that voice in my head that told me not to do stupid things was actually in charge.

So hubs will only let me buy boxed wine now, which is super economical because I'm saving the cardboard for his new house under the bridge.

You call it procrastination. I call it ingenious avoidance.

Either way, lets talk about it later.

The moment some bacon fell out of my mouth and landed on my boob, as I lie here on the couch reading Twitter, I realized my true sexiness.

My inner brat needs a good spanking.

Me to 11yo:Quit playing your xbox so much. Son:OK, when you quit playing that phone game trying to get lots of followers." Touche, lil shit.

Son's observation: Mom, I've noticed every criminal either has hair or doesn't have hair.
He's a genius, this one.

Dear 22 year old me: just wait, Bitch, it gets sooooo much better.
Love, older, wiser and sexier me.

I don't want to fix or change your tortured soul. I only want to wait out the storm with you, & take your hand when the sun comes out again.

In my perfect world, chips and queso would have no fat, calories or carbs, and margaritas would be weight loss supplements.

Going grocery shopping with my kids is just one of the many special bonding moments that makes me want to fucking kill myself.

I'm all for eating apples, but I really think an orgasm a day is much more health conscious.

I have no time or patience for games in my relationships.

Unless by "games" you're referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.

Sometimes it takes only a moment of clarity to align your heart and head, to see through the disillusion, and adjust your path to truth.

I love when I cross that line between lightly buzzed and just beautifully drunk. Heavenly.

Guys, if you're cheating and we don't say anything, we're either gathering evidence, or we're glad someone else is keeping you occupied.