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Friends: 196
Followers: 499
Favs Given: 8,135
Favs Rec'd: 11,750
@SammyLikesYou's (sammy) most faved Tweets...
SammyLikesYou
The English cucumber has long been a favorite among UK housewives. Little Known Fact: Also recently found to be edible.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Worst words EVER uttered by a 4yo under a bridge on the bike path: "Look Daddy! I found a balloon!"
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
I'm having a low performance day today. My tweets suck more than usual. On the plus side, my standards for starring your crap are also lower
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Why Hershey's decided to call them Kisses instead of Nipples, I'll never understand.
@SammyLikesYou
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SammyLikesYou
My 3yo: I have a frog in my throat. Me: Want a drink of water? 3yo: He's already wet.
@SammyLikesYou
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SammyLikesYou
The guy sitting next to me at Starbucks is staring deeply into his blackberry and laughing. Arrogantly, I wonder if he follows me.
@SammyLikesYou
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SammyLikesYou
Once the momentum is built, some people can just fart on the keyboard & get 100 stars.
@SammyLikesYou
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SammyLikesYou
You know that you and your partner are overweight when your 69 looks more like an 88.
@SammyLikesYou
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SammyLikesYou
Lately, Twitter feels like a insane house party we crashed, while FaceBook is starting to resemble my grandparents' 60th anniversary dinner.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Dude kept making gang signs at me, pointing up & yelling. I gave him the finger as I drove by. Yeah!! Then the grocery bag slid off my roof
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Being an asshole means never having to say you're sorry.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
You know you've really misled your kid when he's kissing his own owies and thinking they're better.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
I feel misunderstood today...like the time I accidentally spilled conditioner in the shower & later Dad decided we needed to have "the talk"
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
I have a shotglass of whiskey in front of me. I feel like such a cowboy.

What this moment needs is someone to break a chair on my back.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Dear Guests: Don't fart out loud in the baby's room... unless you WANT the entire house to hear it.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
I've never been in a booby trap but, if the name's any indication, I think its genius is a total lack of incentive for the quarry to escape.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Me: I got #FFs, new followers, & stars today!
Wife: <blank stare>
Me: ...I, uh, WON at Twitter.
Wife: That's great sweetie. Pass the peas
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
To get on the leaderboard, a tweet has to hit 10+ stars within the hour. Well MY followers have JOBS & can't read/star until their next poop
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
I just smelled my 10mo's butt to find out if he's poopy & AnnieBelly, our auxiliary dog, gave me a "Thaaat's what I'm talkin' bout!" nod.
@SammyLikesYou
SammyLikesYou
Why haven't they made a Pez dispenser of Elvis yet? I mean think about it: Elvis Pezley?
@SammyLikesYou
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