How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?





To get to the other side.

Facebook should have a relationship status called "currently banging" and allow several people to be listed.

Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it "UHGNHH!"

Twitter: the spot between the twat and the shitter.

We get it, you're new. Just.... You don't have to use a hashtag in every single tweet.

Being forever alone has it's perks. Like laying diagonally in bed.

Did it hurt.... When you fell from heaven?










Cause your face is fucked.

You think 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad, try breaking a condom.

My twitter account is like going to the grocery store in pajamas- I really hope nobody I know sees it.

"Wanna play the rape game?"
"No!"
"That's the spirit."

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None... he fell.

Nobody gives a fuck about your daily horoscope.

I have come to the conclusion that all gay men are fucking ass holes.

You know it's been a productive week when you still have a full bag of weed left.

Anne frankly, there is nothing funny about holocaust jokes.

I think they should switch the bra system to be like report cards, because D's should actually be considered an A+.

Retweets make me wet.

If you're going to post cryptic lyrics go back to facebook. If you're tweeting about how your pants went missing last night...we accept you.

Racist jokes aren't funny guys. I had a black friend as a kid but then my dad sold him. :(

I'm not going for the girl next door look, I'm more of the crazy bitch across town.