Parenting tip: Nyquil popsicles

No, no, no... I said you're whale cum, not welcome.

I like to keep my Twitter account strictly unprofessional.

93% of women that go ape shit when you call them a cunt, are the cunts.

Go ahead and laugh at my shoulder pads, they'll keep your ankles from getting sore.

I'd rather hang a dick on my ear than a Bluetooth.

Me: Hey, I think your camera is screwed up.

You: Nah, it's Instagram. It's supposed to look like shit.

I masturbate in the handicapped stall so I can do a snow angel afterward.

I've had enough whisky when I can't count past G.

Me: Hey bitch, come give me a blow job.

Wife: Um, you have been tweeting too much.

Pretty sure crack was better for me than Twitter.

Woke up to a blow job. Top that Folgers.

Don't like my RTing? Delete your account.

Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the shitter and all the stalls are empty.

The Coexist sticker comes with the Subaru Outback? Going with yes.

Since I can't fuck you, I'll just try to make you laugh. Then we can fuck.

My medium sized penis is here for you when you're ready to be realistic.

Serving size does not apply for bacon.

Powerade in the morning because whisky for dinner.

I hope your Twitter crush marries you.