The only time I've said Kiri Te Kanawa out loud is when describing to my dentist that on my holiday I could see clearly to Canada.

Find out your wookie name by slamming your hand in a car door.

"A consonant please, Rachel. Another consonant. I'll have two more consonants. And finally, a consonant" - Welsh Countdown.

I remember the moment my wife & I finally agreed that having kids wasn't for us. It was his fourth birthday party.

Santorum said God told him to run for the presidency. Good to know that despite his busy schedule, God still has time to make crank calls.

Due to my parents strict belief in the Old Testament, when I put a tooth under my pillow, I woke up to find it replaced with another tooth.

The big drawback of Rowan Williams' job that they don't publicise, is that you can only move diagonally.

At school I learned "Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner, chocolate's made". Mr Tate didn't last long as our biology teacher.

For God's sake, it's a different guy every few years. Am I the only one to suspect Captain Birdseye may be a Time Lord?

"What do we want?" "Less pedants" "When do we want it" "It's fucking FEWER!".

Run! There's a twisted cylinder of metal coming through my wall. Run! This is not a drill, I repeat, this is ... oh, it is a drill.

I first realised I was boring as a young child. I uncovered a suicide pact between my two imaginary friends.

Asked for his opinion on Alex Ferguson's 26-year tenure at Manchester United, Arsene Wenger replied "I didn't see the incident".

As a teenager I asked my parents for advice about contraception. They recommended I just keep wearing the Star Wars t-shirt.

I'm so middle class I think al fresco the box.

I would go to the gym more often but they don't have the equipment that I like; an espresso machine and a fridge full of cakes.

The NRA must be elated by North Korea's nuclear bomb test. Once everyone has a nuclear weapon the world will be a much safer place.

If you filled your car up with petrol recently, you should check if you made it to The Sunday Times rich list.

I wonder if Cameron thinks rioters are just frustrated at the lack of volunteering opportunities to run libraries & schools. #LondonRiots

Everyone is having a go at Jimmy Carr but not Gary Barlow. Is that because they know he's an OBE (Offshore Banking Expert)?